My Brain Hurts...

I didnt get to go out with Leigh last night but she did stop by my house so I cant be angry with her. It was her boyfriends fault though. Whatever. I'm trying to write this ten page essay for my AP English class and I'm having no luck with it what so ever. I wish I was done with school already.
My life is going good right now. Nothing seems to big that I cant handle it and I havent cut in three days. Thats good for me. I'm hoping I can just get through the week thats all I want. To make it through each day and not feel that endless pain deep within me. But alas everything is good for now and I am grateful for that.

Almost Like Time Travel....

Okay so I really think I'm going insane. I keep doing this thing where I'll be talking to someone and the next thing I know I'll be somewhere else doing something different. I have no recollection of how I got their or how long I have been there. I dont remember if I finished talking to the person I was talking to. And I cant remember anything that was said during the conversation. Its really scary.....and weird.
I'm going out tonight with Leigh. I havent seen her in a week. I have alot to share with her. Hoperfully she will be in a good mood because I'm sick of her boyfriend making her pissy all the time. She deserves better. Well wish me luck with the outing....I hope I dont do that spacing out thing...
Until Next Time
LIA

okay okay

Im going to dedicate a whole post to happiness and what makes me smile....yes I smile
Ten things that make me happy
1. Rainy days
2. blogging
3. writing
4. reading books
5. painting
6. driving my car
7. baking
8. music
9. my true friends
10. the people that comment on my blogs (Hope)
Nine things that I like to do
1. Read
2. take pictures
3. listen to music
4. go to the movies
5. make people laugh
6. write poems
7. sleep
8. sing
9. dance
Eight of my favorite things
1. Mac n Cheese
2. roller coasters
3. grass
4. rain
5. shoes
6. rings
7. books
8. a good song
Seven things I couldnt live without
1. books
2. music
3. rings
4. hats
5. cookies
6. God
7. my dog
Six of my favorite stores
1. Charlotte Russe
2. Hot Topic
3. Rue 21
4. Spencers
5. Vanity
6. Payless
Five things I have to do before I die
1. sing in front of a crowd
2. publish one of my poems
3. fall in love
4. sky dive
5. cure my addiction
Four weird things about myself
1. I like the smell of mud
2. i like hands...i can tell alot by a persons hands
3. If i could eat all the Mac n Cheese in the world i would
4. im really short
Three things that I like about myself
1. my smile
2. my ability to listen
3. my sense of humor
Two favorite places to eat
1. Panera Bread
2. China Star
One confession about myself
1. I trip alot...seriously I cant walk across a flat surface without finding something to trip on

Sucky Poem...meh

I cant get it out of my head
Im forbidden to remeber
but horrified to forget
How did all this start
How can all this be
Was this because of you or me
If it was you please take it away
My only wish is to be pain free for a day
If it was me
well then I understand
Ill just continue sinking into this quicksand
I hope to one day be free
because then I'll quickly grab my bags and flee
But for now I remain cursed
with this cross to bear

Somebody Help Me Please.....

Help
Me
Please
I
Cant
Stop
Im
Destroying
Myself
And
I
Dont
Want
To
Quite
Im
Perfectly
Content
With
Ripping
Myself
Apart
Until
There
Is
Nothing
Left
Of
Me
There
Has
To
Be
Something
Other
Than
This
I
Remember
It
I
Have
Memories
In
The
Back
Of
My
Head
Theres
More
Than
Just
Pain
In
This
World
What
Is
In
My
Mind
That
Is
Blocking
Happiness
Please
I
Beg
Of
You
Make
It
Stop!!!!!!

I never thought....

I never thought coming to my grandparents house would open up old wounds. Seeing my dad again....WOW!!!!! talk about a punch straight to the stomach good thing I got out of there as fast as possible. At this very moment I'm babysitting my three beautiful younger cousins. Regina, Scarlett, and Amen. I'm so glad that each of them are happy and doing well in school. My aunt Violet...well shes healthy and happy with her life but...things are just strange between us. I hate the fact that I live so far away from her. I remember how close we were when I was little. And to see that its not like it used to be and to know that it will never again be that way makes me terribly sad.
I also have to admit that being around my grandpa scares me shitless. He looks so sick and sad. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he could do all the things he used to be able to. I wish he could move about with ease and I wish he had no aches or pain. But the way I figure it you have to be able to fix your own pain before you can fix someone elses right?
I'm listening to my cousins in the other room and their innocent laughter is making my heart ache. I remember when I use to laugh like that. I remember when my laugh was innocent and care free. Now my laughs and forced and usually fake. I'm now extremely happy that I decided to take my blade along with me this weekend. I guess I knew in the back of my head that I would need it. Why let family carve wounds into my me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I can only hope that the rest of my weekend goes better than it is right now. Thank God for my cousins and their laughter and jokes. For they keep me semi-sane.

55.....

55 cuts run up my side
55 secrets I have to hide
55 insecurities carved into my flesh
55 reasons my life is such a mess
55 battle wounds from the war waged upon myself
55 worries I cant store upon a shelf
55 feelings I can no longer keep inside
55 troubles I dont want to keep in my mind
55 scars I will bare in passing time
55 reminders of the pain that is all mine