I never thought....

I never thought coming to my grandparents house would open up old wounds. Seeing my dad again....WOW!!!!! talk about a punch straight to the stomach good thing I got out of there as fast as possible. At this very moment I'm babysitting my three beautiful younger cousins. Regina, Scarlett, and Amen. I'm so glad that each of them are happy and doing well in school. My aunt Violet...well shes healthy and happy with her life but...things are just strange between us. I hate the fact that I live so far away from her. I remember how close we were when I was little. And to see that its not like it used to be and to know that it will never again be that way makes me terribly sad.
I also have to admit that being around my grandpa scares me shitless. He looks so sick and sad. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he could do all the things he used to be able to. I wish he could move about with ease and I wish he had no aches or pain. But the way I figure it you have to be able to fix your own pain before you can fix someone elses right?
I'm listening to my cousins in the other room and their innocent laughter is making my heart ache. I remember when I use to laugh like that. I remember when my laugh was innocent and care free. Now my laughs and forced and usually fake. I'm now extremely happy that I decided to take my blade along with me this weekend. I guess I knew in the back of my head that I would need it. Why let family carve wounds into my me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I can only hope that the rest of my weekend goes better than it is right now. Thank God for my cousins and their laughter and jokes. For they keep me semi-sane.