1. If you could have stopped aging at any point in life till now, how old would you want to be forever? 10...i was happy at 10
2. If you could possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would it be?
singing or playing piano
3. If you could be fluent in another language you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
german or celtic(what they speak in Ireland)
4. If you could be forever recognized for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
making people laugh
5. If you could break one athletic record, which record would it be?
i cant even walk without tripping what makes you think i could be athletic? :)
6. If you could only save one thing from your place in event of a disaster, what would it be?
my book with all my poems in it
7. If you could “uninvent” one thing from the world so it no longer existed, what would it be?
dvd players in cars...you dont need a tv in a car
8. If you could have one personality trait from someone, what from whom would you choose?
Alley's ability to make people laugh
9. If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?
rob a bank
10. If you could ensure your children had one experience you had, what would that be?
sitting with my grandpa on our porch swing
11. If you could start a new charity, who or what would it help?
research for spina bifida...my brother has it
12. If you could have lived the life of a fictional character, who would it be?
Bella!!! from Twilight...who doesnt want Edward lol
13. If you could resolve any dispute in the world right now, which one would you resolve?
obviously the war
14. If you could give out an annual award, what would it be for and who would win it first?
everyone who graduates high school...more people drop out now more than ever
15. If you could get rid of one fear you have, which fear would it be?
my fear that no one will ever like me
Friday, December 11, 2009
One of those things you fill out...Im bored
would you rather...
shave your head OR not taste food for a whole year?
I would rather not taste food...that way I could lose weight lol
walk barefoot across hot coals OR sleep in a bed of ice cubes
bed of ice cubes
never meet your true love OR never see your parents again
wow....thats hard but I'd have to choose never meeting my true love
not shower for a month OR break your right hand
break my hand
get a relaxing massage OR eat a hot fudge sundae
relaxing massage
make out with your celebrity crush OR win a $10,000 shopping spree
make out with my celebrity crush who needs money?
drop your ipod in the toilet OR drop your cell phone off a cliff
iPod my phone is my life
go skydiving OR scuba diving
skydiving...?
get trapped in an elevator with your enemy OR get locked in a porta potty
porta potty...
have perfect, clear skin OR have beautiful, silky hair
skin...theres always wigs lol
food OR sleep
SLEEP!!!!
find a cure for cancer OR a cure for AIDS
it sucks that i should have to choose...i say both
have a baby with someone you just met OR have a baby with your current ex
AH! definitely with someone i just met...sad but true
do you write poetry?
yes, all the time
is there a blanket in the room you're in right now?
not sure?
cheez-its or cheese nips?
cheez-its all the way!!
do you have your ears pierced?
yup...
do you wear makeup regularly?
yup yup...every single day...unless i'm having a lazy day at home
did you have cereal for breakfast today?
no i like toast
are you wearing green today?
ew i hate green
have you worn headphones at any point today?
nope
where is your hairbrush?
one in my bathroom...one in my bag
last time you tripped over something?
today in history class i tripped over a chair...then Alley did it not two seconds later
do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
yes...i cant have my food touch...and the clothes in my closet are organized by color
last thing you laughed at
ten minutes ago....my aunts dog sneezed on her
have you eaten something made from cheese today?
no
what was the last cuss word you said out loud
damn...or maybe douche bag if that counts
last person you yelled at
myself
why did you yell at them?
because im me
favorite type of apple
any
last big realization you had
that im almost an adult
time you woke up yesterday
2:00am
do you call it soda, pop, coke or something else?
pop....but i dont drink it...pop is gross
what sounds do you hear right now?
bad romance by lady gaga and the heater
what color were the last socks you wore?
white with different colored stars lol
last time you roda a bike
forever ago
think of the person you love that lives farthest away. who is it?
my aunt...lives in alaska
where do they live?
alaska..didnt i already clarify that
last time you went to visit them
never
closest plaid object too you
none...oh thats sad
last time you had blood drawn
about three years ago...
do you make fun of ugly people?
i try not to but i am human.
last thing you purchased
hair dye...and hair spray...and conditioner
do you own a stand-up mirror?
yes
are there some things that can't be joked about with you?
yes like my ability to trip over a completely flat surface
do you like screamo music?
ABSOLUTELY :)
do you listen to music while you clean?
yes
who is your favorite rapper?
tech n9ne
do you think it's annoying when little kids wear too much makeup?
most definitely...where are their parents?
do you know a REAL prince or princess?
no...:(
do you make wishes on things?
yes...shooting stars, repeating numbers on a digital clock, the last upturned cigarette in the pack,
favorite michael jackson song
thriller
do you recycle?
not really
have you ever beat up a vending machine for any reason?
yes damn thing ate my cheetos and my dollar
last time you went to an outlet mall
idk
last thing you regretted
oh boy...where to start
what happens to you when you feel nervous?
i sweat ew
do you have any spare batteries laying around?
most likely somewhere
last time you had a doctor's appointment
idk
do you like gatorade?
purple only
do you ever have doubts about anything?
who doesn't?
have you ever gone inside an attic?
i live in my attic
do you have anything hidden under your bed?
there's crap under there but not on purpose
did you make your bed this morning?
i dont make my bed...its for sleeping in not making
what does the last locked message in your inbox say and who is it from?
i dont have texting....im a loser lol
shave your head OR not taste food for a whole year?
I would rather not taste food...that way I could lose weight lol
walk barefoot across hot coals OR sleep in a bed of ice cubes
bed of ice cubes
never meet your true love OR never see your parents again
wow....thats hard but I'd have to choose never meeting my true love
not shower for a month OR break your right hand
break my hand
get a relaxing massage OR eat a hot fudge sundae
relaxing massage
make out with your celebrity crush OR win a $10,000 shopping spree
make out with my celebrity crush who needs money?
drop your ipod in the toilet OR drop your cell phone off a cliff
iPod my phone is my life
go skydiving OR scuba diving
skydiving...?
get trapped in an elevator with your enemy OR get locked in a porta potty
porta potty...
have perfect, clear skin OR have beautiful, silky hair
skin...theres always wigs lol
food OR sleep
SLEEP!!!!
find a cure for cancer OR a cure for AIDS
it sucks that i should have to choose...i say both
have a baby with someone you just met OR have a baby with your current ex
AH! definitely with someone i just met...sad but true
do you write poetry?
yes, all the time
is there a blanket in the room you're in right now?
not sure?
cheez-its or cheese nips?
cheez-its all the way!!
do you have your ears pierced?
yup...
do you wear makeup regularly?
yup yup...every single day...unless i'm having a lazy day at home
did you have cereal for breakfast today?
no i like toast
are you wearing green today?
ew i hate green
have you worn headphones at any point today?
nope
where is your hairbrush?
one in my bathroom...one in my bag
last time you tripped over something?
today in history class i tripped over a chair...then Alley did it not two seconds later
do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
yes...i cant have my food touch...and the clothes in my closet are organized by color
last thing you laughed at
ten minutes ago....my aunts dog sneezed on her
have you eaten something made from cheese today?
no
what was the last cuss word you said out loud
damn...or maybe douche bag if that counts
last person you yelled at
myself
why did you yell at them?
because im me
favorite type of apple
any
last big realization you had
that im almost an adult
time you woke up yesterday
2:00am
do you call it soda, pop, coke or something else?
pop....but i dont drink it...pop is gross
what sounds do you hear right now?
bad romance by lady gaga and the heater
what color were the last socks you wore?
white with different colored stars lol
last time you roda a bike
forever ago
think of the person you love that lives farthest away. who is it?
my aunt...lives in alaska
where do they live?
alaska..didnt i already clarify that
last time you went to visit them
never
closest plaid object too you
none...oh thats sad
last time you had blood drawn
about three years ago...
do you make fun of ugly people?
i try not to but i am human.
last thing you purchased
hair dye...and hair spray...and conditioner
do you own a stand-up mirror?
yes
are there some things that can't be joked about with you?
yes like my ability to trip over a completely flat surface
do you like screamo music?
ABSOLUTELY :)
do you listen to music while you clean?
yes
who is your favorite rapper?
tech n9ne
do you think it's annoying when little kids wear too much makeup?
most definitely...where are their parents?
do you know a REAL prince or princess?
no...:(
do you make wishes on things?
yes...shooting stars, repeating numbers on a digital clock, the last upturned cigarette in the pack,
favorite michael jackson song
thriller
do you recycle?
not really
have you ever beat up a vending machine for any reason?
yes damn thing ate my cheetos and my dollar
last time you went to an outlet mall
idk
last thing you regretted
oh boy...where to start
what happens to you when you feel nervous?
i sweat ew
do you have any spare batteries laying around?
most likely somewhere
last time you had a doctor's appointment
idk
do you like gatorade?
purple only
do you ever have doubts about anything?
who doesn't?
have you ever gone inside an attic?
i live in my attic
do you have anything hidden under your bed?
there's crap under there but not on purpose
did you make your bed this morning?
i dont make my bed...its for sleeping in not making
what does the last locked message in your inbox say and who is it from?
i dont have texting....im a loser lol
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I Remember
I was talking to my grandmother on the phone last night. We were talking about my graduation party. I mentioned to her that my father wasnt invited. She asked me "Why isnt he invited, do you even remember what it is about him that you hate so much?" and I simply replied "I remember."
I remember I was thirteen years old.
I remember I was washing dishes.
I remember my father fighting with his wife in the bathroom.
I remember it suddenly going quiet.
I remeber hearing the dish rag scrubbing against the plate I was washing.
I remember my father saying my name.
I remember turning around and facing him.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath.
I remember his voice scaring me so bad that I dropped the plate.
I remember him yelling at me for dropping the plate.
I remember him grabbing my arm and dragging me to him.
I remember the glaze over his eyes.
I remember him taking hold of a clump of my hair and wretching me backwards.
I remember my head hitting the fridge.
I remember my teeth clenching together.
I remember biting my tounge.
I remember the look of total satisfaction in my fathers eyes.
I remember the words he said to me " Completely useless is what you are!"
I remember him walking away without a backward glance.
Thats....what I remember......
I remember I was thirteen years old.
I remember I was washing dishes.
I remember my father fighting with his wife in the bathroom.
I remember it suddenly going quiet.
I remeber hearing the dish rag scrubbing against the plate I was washing.
I remember my father saying my name.
I remember turning around and facing him.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath.
I remember his voice scaring me so bad that I dropped the plate.
I remember him yelling at me for dropping the plate.
I remember him grabbing my arm and dragging me to him.
I remember the glaze over his eyes.
I remember him taking hold of a clump of my hair and wretching me backwards.
I remember my head hitting the fridge.
I remember my teeth clenching together.
I remember biting my tounge.
I remember the look of total satisfaction in my fathers eyes.
I remember the words he said to me " Completely useless is what you are!"
I remember him walking away without a backward glance.
Thats....what I remember......
To All Of You
To all of you
that are hurting
To all of you
who are sad
To all of you
who remain crying
To all of you
who are mad
To all of you
who self-harm
To all of you
who've lost hope
To all of you
alone out there
To all of you
I'm here
that are hurting
To all of you
who are sad
To all of you
who remain crying
To all of you
who are mad
To all of you
who self-harm
To all of you
who've lost hope
To all of you
alone out there
To all of you
I'm here
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Death Is Not Beautiful When Its Not Your Own
I've seen dead people before. In science labs for school. I seen my grandpa in his casket when I was ten. But I've never seen a dying person before. My grandpa on my dad's side has had cancer since before I can remember. Only 3% of his body is infected with it now, and that is something that I am continously thankful for. But...lately he's been getting worse. He resently had a three week stay in the hospital where he lost 30 pounds. He sleeps more and more and I can see him slowly decaying right before my eyes.
My grandmother called me Tuesday night and told me that he had a CAT scan and the doctors found a mass of fatty tissue growing on his spine. At this point this news doesnt surprise me but it does sadden me. I'm well aware of everything that has ever gone on with my grandpa and I probably know more medical terms than the average 17 year old. The only thing I wish is that I knew enough to save him. I dont want to watch him decay before me. I love him with all my heart. He's the only father figure I have ever had. He thought me how to fish, and he helped me learn to ride my bike without training wheels. He thought me how to make scrambled eggs and he's always believed in me. He may be the most stubborn person in the whole entire world but at least he's stubborn about all the right things.
Sometimes....I dream about him in a casket and I wake up with my heart beating rapidly and my hands sweating. I'm not afraid of death I'm well aware of where it is I'm going after my time here is done. I'm not afraid that I will never see him again because I know that I will. I'm only afraid of not having him around when I need him the most. I'm afraid of not getting to make any more memories with him. I'm afraid of not having any more Christmas's with him. I'm afraid he wont get to see me graduate from High School. I'm afraid of losing him. One thing does calm me though and thats the fact that when he IS gone HE will be my gaurdian angel.
My grandmother called me Tuesday night and told me that he had a CAT scan and the doctors found a mass of fatty tissue growing on his spine. At this point this news doesnt surprise me but it does sadden me. I'm well aware of everything that has ever gone on with my grandpa and I probably know more medical terms than the average 17 year old. The only thing I wish is that I knew enough to save him. I dont want to watch him decay before me. I love him with all my heart. He's the only father figure I have ever had. He thought me how to fish, and he helped me learn to ride my bike without training wheels. He thought me how to make scrambled eggs and he's always believed in me. He may be the most stubborn person in the whole entire world but at least he's stubborn about all the right things.
Sometimes....I dream about him in a casket and I wake up with my heart beating rapidly and my hands sweating. I'm not afraid of death I'm well aware of where it is I'm going after my time here is done. I'm not afraid that I will never see him again because I know that I will. I'm only afraid of not having him around when I need him the most. I'm afraid of not getting to make any more memories with him. I'm afraid of not having any more Christmas's with him. I'm afraid he wont get to see me graduate from High School. I'm afraid of losing him. One thing does calm me though and thats the fact that when he IS gone HE will be my gaurdian angel.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Observation Day....
Today is what I like to call an observation day. Sometimes I like to sit back and just observe people, and thats what I did today. Today was different though because I realized I can learn things about people by watching them and I can also learn things about myself by watching other people. Wanna know what I learned today? Oh, of course you do.
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thump...Thump..ThumpThumpThumpthumpThump
Thats what my heart was doing the other night and I'll tell you why. Wednesday night I went to a play a few towns over with my bestie Alley. We had a good time on the way there we were talking about her boyfriend Rich and we were rocking out to some Hailstrom. It was all good. Well Alley had mentioned that her friend Caleb was in the play but I didnt think of it until much later. The play was amazing it was a play about people putting on a play and they kept messing it up and such. I hadnt laughed that hard in a long time. Well afterwards we went to the lobby and got to talk to all the actors and I got to offically meet Caleb. I was kind of nervous because as I was watching the play I couldnt help but notice how incredibly cute Caleb was. So as we were walking up to him I was planning on what I was going to say to him and I had all these great lines. So we get up to him and Alley gives him a hug then she turns to me and says "Oh and this is my friend Lia"....and thats when my mind went completely blank. Because up close I got to see just how truly adorable he was. I couldnt think of anything to say but "Hi" I'm honestly surprised that I didnt start drooling. We and when I say we I mean Alley talked to Caleb for a little bit but then we had to get going home. When we got outside I turned to Alley and said " You didnt tell me how cute he was going to be". So we started talking about him and Alley wants to hook us up. I grateful for that but I have to accept that its never going to happen. Someone like Caleb would never go for someone like me. Its foolish and selfish to think he would ever like me. Plus I've only talked to him once, and all I said was a meak little "Hi". Bleh sometimes I hate myself why couldnt I have just walked up to him and said something cool....why do I have to mumble and be such a loser...GAH!! Other than that little mishap I had a wonderful time with Alley. And Thurdays night Alley, Paris, Jill, and I all went to New Moon together. I'm surprised we didnt get kicked out we were so loud. It was great. I wish I could go out more.
I know I keep going on about this but I cant stop replaying that scene in my head. I just cant believe I didnt say anything to him. I mean I know he doesnt know me and I'll never be more than a face in the crowd to him but I just wish I would have made myself seem a little less retarded.
Well my wrist is hurting from typing so fast so I''ll just have to finish my ranting another time...
Until Next Time
LIA
I know I keep going on about this but I cant stop replaying that scene in my head. I just cant believe I didnt say anything to him. I mean I know he doesnt know me and I'll never be more than a face in the crowd to him but I just wish I would have made myself seem a little less retarded.
Well my wrist is hurting from typing so fast so I''ll just have to finish my ranting another time...
Until Next Time
LIA
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