Observation Day....

Today is what I like to call an observation day. Sometimes I like to sit back and just observe people, and thats what I did today. Today was different though because I realized I can learn things about people by watching them and I can also learn things about myself by watching other people. Wanna know what I learned today? Oh, of course you do.
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!