The Animal I Have Become

I cant imagine going on like this anymore. Feeling so hopeless and empty. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont recognize the person who is looking back. I've always been a little bit of a loner and Im really akward with people a lot of the time. But I find myself shutting people out. I dont even talk to Sunny anymore. I just pushed her away. Stopped answering her phone calls. Im doing the same thing to Paris. It scares me. I dont want to do that to Alley. She's basically the only friend I have left. I hate that! I hate that I cant be alone. I dont like the fact that I have to have friends. I know that as humans we instinctively need people in our lives. To comfort support love and talk to us. But that just seems like weakness to me. I dont want to be the kind of person who NEEDS someone. But when I think about being alone I cut myself. My whole fucking life has been about leaving me. My father, my friends, I dont think I could handle any more. I know its possible for me to wake up one day and have no one left. Because I pushed them away. Because I was to afraid of letting people get close to me so I just pushed them away. It a crazy and horrible cycle. Dont let anyone close to you but then have no one because your to afraid to let people in. It drives me crazy and I'm doing it to myself!!!
My emotions are everywhere lately. I dont know how Alley stands being around me. If she were wise she'd ignore me. Everyone else has and look at how much better they are without me. Without out my poisionious attitude and vile words. I'm not someone to look forward to seeing. I'm someone who should be avoided. I ruin all that I touch. I can feel myself drowning in the black bile that I have created for myself. I'm....seriously thinking of....ending my life. I've thought it through....I know how I'd do it...what I'd write in my note.....which of my possessions I would leave to Alley and my family.
I wish that I had someone here to talk to. Damn.....I'm sick of holding shit inside. No one would want to listen to me complain anyway......
Until Next Time
LIA