Save Me From the Nothing I've Become

Last Thursday I had a total breakdown. Everything that had been piling up the last 7 years finally broke me. I CRIED!!!!! I NEVER cry. I had not cried since I was 10 yrs old. I cried for 45 minutes straight. SO not like me. I was brought up to believe that crying is a weakness. I like to be in control and when I cry I dont feel in control.

My grandpa has cancer again. Its operable but he doesnt want them to operate. Without an operation theres only a 30% chance for his survival. So baiscally he's going to die. It saddens my heart just thinking about it. I cant just stand by as the only father figure I have ever had slowly dies in front of me. The worst part though is the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I cant be with him everyday like I want to be, because I'm too busy with school or faking smiles with my friends or working or sleeping. I dont want his last days to be filled with silence as I know they will be because I'm failing as a granddaughter by not being there for him.

My fathers abandonment is like a wound that will never close. Its always open and bleeding. And sometimes someone will come along and pour salt into it just to remind me that its there. Like I dont already know. The sting of it is a continuous reminder of that fact that I am good enough for no one.

When I was crying I called a few of my friends because I was so fucking sick of being alone that I just wanted to be around someone. Alley was busy which is cool because I later learned that she has just as shitty a night as I did. Leigh was at work but I got to see her later so that was okay too. I finally got ahold of Paris so I picked her up and we drove around in my car. She watched me smoke cigarette after cigarette and she listened to me cry and bitch. I told her about my grandpa and about how I wanted to kill myself. She made me feel better about my grandfathers situation but Im not sure she fully understood the fact that I want to kill myself. Its like no one understands. They just tell me not to do it because they would miss me to much and that I wont always feel like this.

I just dont even know who I am anymore. I mean if you know me at all and you just read this you will know something is wrong. I NEVER swear like this. Maybe its the stress of my grandfathers illness or the fact that finals are here. Maybe its the holiday stress. I should be alittle merrier right? I hate to admit this but maybe I just need a fucking hug from someone who actually cares.....first I have to find that someone.

Until Next Time

LIA