I lie on my roof
and look upon the sky
I dont think
or ask myself why
I feel fine
I feel alright
My hands dont sweat
My insides arent tight
I feel at peace
I am okay
But I do wonder
If this feeling will stay
I think it will
I think it may
I think everything
will be okay
Whatever comes along
I know I'll cope
Its fine now
because I have hope.
(dedicated to Hope) :p
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The First Time
Okay so we all know that I cut. Its a sick and disgusting addiction that I would never wish upon anyone. But I feel the need to tel you all about how my addiction came to be.
I was thirteen years old. It was the summer before 8th grade. I was at home just hanging out in my room when I got a phone call. It was my friend from next door. We talked for awhile mostly about nothing when she said those four little words that I should've taken as a sign.
"We need to talk."
My friend told me that she had been thinking about our friendship alot lately. She told me that she thought it would be best if we were no longer friends. She told me I was mean and embarrassed her when we were around her other friends. I was in such a state of shock that all I could do was tell her that I understood and I hung up the phone.
I spent the rest of July watching her and her new friends hangout in her front yard. I watched them walk past my house on their way to the pool. They always ignored me and acted as if I wasnt even there. I spent my days at home watching T.V or reading and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was let it out. I just didnt know how.I wasnt much of a screamer and I was too chicken to tell my ex-friend how much she had hurt me so I did the next best thing.
I dont remember where I had gotten the idea or where I had even heard about cutting but I knew that it would help. I remember I was wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I remember my mind going numb as I walked to the kitchen. I remember rummaging through the drawers until I found the perfect knife. It was a pearing knife one I often used for peeling apples. I remember the way it glistened in the sun that was shining through my kitchen windows. I remember the way it felt in my hand. Its cool grey handle fit perfectly in my palm. After grabbing the knife I walked to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and rolled my shorts up one..two...three times until a nice amount of upper thigh was showing. I remember digging that tiny pearing knife into my thigh and slowly dragging it across my skin in four perfect little rows.
I remember watching that beautiful crimson blood drop onto my hard wood floor with a faint plopping sound. I remember all my anger and pain going directly to that cut and seeping out with the rest of my blood. I remember how good I felt- how powerful. I remember feeling in control. But mostly I remember thinking that I never wanted to stop. And I havent been able to since.
I've been cutting almost everyday for four years now. My right thigh is barely recognizeable. The good and powerful feeling comes back everytime I cut. Something about watching my blood seep out of me makes me feel alive. I dont always feel better after cutting but its nice to know that when I cut the only person that is hurting me -is me. I know I'm sick and that I have an addiction- I know! But you have to understand that after four years- cutting isnt just a thing that makes me feel better for five minutes. It something that I'm emotionally and mentally addicted to. I plan on getting help- someday. But right now I still have things that burden me and it seems that the only way to quite the voices that tell me to just give up is by cutting. I would love to not feel the need or the desire to cut but for now its there weighing on me. Dragging behind me like a lowly servant.
I was thirteen years old. It was the summer before 8th grade. I was at home just hanging out in my room when I got a phone call. It was my friend from next door. We talked for awhile mostly about nothing when she said those four little words that I should've taken as a sign.
"We need to talk."
My friend told me that she had been thinking about our friendship alot lately. She told me that she thought it would be best if we were no longer friends. She told me I was mean and embarrassed her when we were around her other friends. I was in such a state of shock that all I could do was tell her that I understood and I hung up the phone.
I spent the rest of July watching her and her new friends hangout in her front yard. I watched them walk past my house on their way to the pool. They always ignored me and acted as if I wasnt even there. I spent my days at home watching T.V or reading and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was let it out. I just didnt know how.I wasnt much of a screamer and I was too chicken to tell my ex-friend how much she had hurt me so I did the next best thing.
I dont remember where I had gotten the idea or where I had even heard about cutting but I knew that it would help. I remember I was wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I remember my mind going numb as I walked to the kitchen. I remember rummaging through the drawers until I found the perfect knife. It was a pearing knife one I often used for peeling apples. I remember the way it glistened in the sun that was shining through my kitchen windows. I remember the way it felt in my hand. Its cool grey handle fit perfectly in my palm. After grabbing the knife I walked to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and rolled my shorts up one..two...three times until a nice amount of upper thigh was showing. I remember digging that tiny pearing knife into my thigh and slowly dragging it across my skin in four perfect little rows.
I remember watching that beautiful crimson blood drop onto my hard wood floor with a faint plopping sound. I remember all my anger and pain going directly to that cut and seeping out with the rest of my blood. I remember how good I felt- how powerful. I remember feeling in control. But mostly I remember thinking that I never wanted to stop. And I havent been able to since.
I've been cutting almost everyday for four years now. My right thigh is barely recognizeable. The good and powerful feeling comes back everytime I cut. Something about watching my blood seep out of me makes me feel alive. I dont always feel better after cutting but its nice to know that when I cut the only person that is hurting me -is me. I know I'm sick and that I have an addiction- I know! But you have to understand that after four years- cutting isnt just a thing that makes me feel better for five minutes. It something that I'm emotionally and mentally addicted to. I plan on getting help- someday. But right now I still have things that burden me and it seems that the only way to quite the voices that tell me to just give up is by cutting. I would love to not feel the need or the desire to cut but for now its there weighing on me. Dragging behind me like a lowly servant.
Yesterday
I was having a fairly decent day yesterday. I got plenty of sleep. I had gone out the night before and had myself a good time. I got my errands and chores done. I cleaned my house and got more music downloaded to my Ipod. Paris came over she was having parent problems and needed someones advice so I felt honored that she picked me. I was expecting a phone call from my new friend Hope who I was excited to talk to. But then my father called. He always call my cell when he wants to speak with my brothers. I listened to them talk about Christmas and how school was going. I listened to them talk about football and when they were going to spend time with eachother again. Thats all it took for me to fold within myself and become bitter and angry.
I will NEVER understand what I did to him. Why is it that he doesnt love me? How can he look right through me like I am no one? How can you not love all of your children? I will forever wonder if I am good enough for him. Maybe I just wasnt a good enough daughter. Shit- maybe Im just not a good enought person.
I will NEVER understand what I did to him. Why is it that he doesnt love me? How can he look right through me like I am no one? How can you not love all of your children? I will forever wonder if I am good enough for him. Maybe I just wasnt a good enough daughter. Shit- maybe Im just not a good enought person.
I Will Never
I will never be confident
I will never be brave
I will never know a fathers love
I will never be saved
I will never have alot of friends
I will never be enough
I will never be beautiful
I will never be tough
I will never be the person everyone wants me to be
And until I accept that
I will never be free
I will never be brave
I will never know a fathers love
I will never be saved
I will never have alot of friends
I will never be enough
I will never be beautiful
I will never be tough
I will never be the person everyone wants me to be
And until I accept that
I will never be free
Things I've Been Meaning To Say....
I never seem to get to say all the things I want to the people in my life...so here goes. These are in no particular order.
1. Alley!! You are the greatest friend that I have ever had. You have this way of making me laugh when I dont want to. I can be a complete dork around you and Idont have to worry about what you think. Your the only person I know that loves movies as much as me. We can talk about anything and I know you have my back. I know that you will make something of yourself after high schoool. Stay beautiful Alley. Thank you for making my senior year AMAZING!! Oh and I had better be invited to you and Rich's wedding lol!! :D
2. HOPE!! I found you in this huge world of blogging and Im so grateful for it. You read everything I have to say and you always leave heartfelt comments that keep me remembering that someone cares. Were still getting to know eachother but from what I know your a star in a world of meteor's! I love reading your blog. You see thing so differently and thats SO cool. I hope we continue getting to know eachother.
3. Paris! I love hanging out with you. Your wild and loud and SO confident. I know things are going to change when I graduate but I promise to stay in touch. I know you'll reach all your dreams! Oh and I love your new haircut :D
4. Leigh!! Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for always sticking up for me. Your the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard that I vomit. I hope we stay friends until we die. I mean I need someone to room with in the nursing home. Not to mention someone to help me make spaghetti at 3:00am and fall asleep before we get to eat it :D
Thank you to all the people who make my life worth living. I wouldnt be here without you!
1. Alley!! You are the greatest friend that I have ever had. You have this way of making me laugh when I dont want to. I can be a complete dork around you and Idont have to worry about what you think. Your the only person I know that loves movies as much as me. We can talk about anything and I know you have my back. I know that you will make something of yourself after high schoool. Stay beautiful Alley. Thank you for making my senior year AMAZING!! Oh and I had better be invited to you and Rich's wedding lol!! :D
2. HOPE!! I found you in this huge world of blogging and Im so grateful for it. You read everything I have to say and you always leave heartfelt comments that keep me remembering that someone cares. Were still getting to know eachother but from what I know your a star in a world of meteor's! I love reading your blog. You see thing so differently and thats SO cool. I hope we continue getting to know eachother.
3. Paris! I love hanging out with you. Your wild and loud and SO confident. I know things are going to change when I graduate but I promise to stay in touch. I know you'll reach all your dreams! Oh and I love your new haircut :D
4. Leigh!! Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for always sticking up for me. Your the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard that I vomit. I hope we stay friends until we die. I mean I need someone to room with in the nursing home. Not to mention someone to help me make spaghetti at 3:00am and fall asleep before we get to eat it :D
Thank you to all the people who make my life worth living. I wouldnt be here without you!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Small town....small minds?
Its occured to me that....no matter where I go....may it be big cities....or small towns...I will always meet people with small minds....people that think money and looks are the only way to make it in this world.....people that have no respect for hard working people....or honest people with a good sense of self-respect....
I will never be the person that other people want me to be...some days I'm okay with that....and others I have to remind myself that its okay......I dont want to spend my life living up to other people's standards of who I should be....I just want to be me...even though I have NO idea who that is.......
I may be lost....I may have depression.....I may tell anyone the truth even if its hurtful sometimes....I may be sarcastic.....I may not always let people in...but when and if I do you had better NOT abuse that....because I can also be one of the most loving people you will ever meet...I would die for any of my friends and I would take a bullet for anyone in my family....people in this town dont get to see me as I truly am....they see with blinders on....they see me as they want to see me......
And I'm making no sense right now so....I'm just going to stop babbling
I will never be the person that other people want me to be...some days I'm okay with that....and others I have to remind myself that its okay......I dont want to spend my life living up to other people's standards of who I should be....I just want to be me...even though I have NO idea who that is.......
I may be lost....I may have depression.....I may tell anyone the truth even if its hurtful sometimes....I may be sarcastic.....I may not always let people in...but when and if I do you had better NOT abuse that....because I can also be one of the most loving people you will ever meet...I would die for any of my friends and I would take a bullet for anyone in my family....people in this town dont get to see me as I truly am....they see with blinders on....they see me as they want to see me......
And I'm making no sense right now so....I'm just going to stop babbling
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Why Bother
I dont think I'll be blogging much longer....It doesnt seem to help anymore....No one reads these posts....No one gives a shit what I go through...what I have to say...what my opinions are....so I think I'll be done soon....maybe...I dont know.....geh!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Cool quote I found...fits me perfectly
I'm a suicidal personality who seizes the day by letting go of any expectations for a tomorrow.
Untitled
You come to me in the dark of the night
You curl at my neck and whisper sweet nothing in my ear
You caress my cheek and fill my head with twisted beliefs
You tap my chest keeping time with the beat of my heart
You tell me my world is falling apart
You pull the covers to my chin and remind me of my every sin
You make me dream of isolation and despair
You make me believe that your the only one there
You are loneliness at its best
I know now your the only thing I have left
You make crazy I can tell
I think I'm better off in hell
You curl at my neck and whisper sweet nothing in my ear
You caress my cheek and fill my head with twisted beliefs
You tap my chest keeping time with the beat of my heart
You tell me my world is falling apart
You pull the covers to my chin and remind me of my every sin
You make me dream of isolation and despair
You make me believe that your the only one there
You are loneliness at its best
I know now your the only thing I have left
You make crazy I can tell
I think I'm better off in hell
Going a little crazy....er?
Well I can tell you that NOTHING interesting has been going on for the past five days or so. We got hit with a mild snow storm and everyone got trapped in their houses for a few days. I for one was not happy about this storm because I got stuck in my house. I didnt even get to leave for Christmas. I guess its not all that bad thoough. I got to miss out on the drama that I know there would have been. My mom and cousin would have drank. My mom and grandmother would have fought. We would have had to hear about my cousins divorce that will soon be taking place. Grrr when I think about the fact that their getting a divorce I just want to punch them I dont think they realize that its not just them who will be separating. Their daughter will forever be pulled in two directions. She will have to split time between both parents and she will have to make two trips for Christmas and birthdays. I would know I did it myself for five years. Some people just dont get it.
On the plus side I've only made twelve new cuts to my collection. It may not seem like such a big step to you but it is to me. The holidays are hard on me and so is being trapped in my house. I havent seen Alley or Paris in what feels like forever. I feel alone and I would love for someone to talk to. Everyone is busy with things or on vacation somewhere. I've been keeping busy with reading and writing poems some of which I will post sometime here soon.
Gah! There are so many things I have to do yet. Order my cap and gown for graduation, fill out scholarships, stay sane. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing to flip out on someone. Maybe that will help?....I hope that in ten years (if I'm still alive)...that I can look back on this point in my life and laugh....no...no....probably not....
Until Next Time
LIA
On the plus side I've only made twelve new cuts to my collection. It may not seem like such a big step to you but it is to me. The holidays are hard on me and so is being trapped in my house. I havent seen Alley or Paris in what feels like forever. I feel alone and I would love for someone to talk to. Everyone is busy with things or on vacation somewhere. I've been keeping busy with reading and writing poems some of which I will post sometime here soon.
Gah! There are so many things I have to do yet. Order my cap and gown for graduation, fill out scholarships, stay sane. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing to flip out on someone. Maybe that will help?....I hope that in ten years (if I'm still alive)...that I can look back on this point in my life and laugh....no...no....probably not....
Until Next Time
LIA
Monday, December 21, 2009
Save Me From the Nothing I've Become
Last Thursday I had a total breakdown. Everything that had been piling up the last 7 years finally broke me. I CRIED!!!!! I NEVER cry. I had not cried since I was 10 yrs old. I cried for 45 minutes straight. SO not like me. I was brought up to believe that crying is a weakness. I like to be in control and when I cry I dont feel in control.
My grandpa has cancer again. Its operable but he doesnt want them to operate. Without an operation theres only a 30% chance for his survival. So baiscally he's going to die. It saddens my heart just thinking about it. I cant just stand by as the only father figure I have ever had slowly dies in front of me. The worst part though is the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I cant be with him everyday like I want to be, because I'm too busy with school or faking smiles with my friends or working or sleeping. I dont want his last days to be filled with silence as I know they will be because I'm failing as a granddaughter by not being there for him.
My fathers abandonment is like a wound that will never close. Its always open and bleeding. And sometimes someone will come along and pour salt into it just to remind me that its there. Like I dont already know. The sting of it is a continuous reminder of that fact that I am good enough for no one.
When I was crying I called a few of my friends because I was so fucking sick of being alone that I just wanted to be around someone. Alley was busy which is cool because I later learned that she has just as shitty a night as I did. Leigh was at work but I got to see her later so that was okay too. I finally got ahold of Paris so I picked her up and we drove around in my car. She watched me smoke cigarette after cigarette and she listened to me cry and bitch. I told her about my grandpa and about how I wanted to kill myself. She made me feel better about my grandfathers situation but Im not sure she fully understood the fact that I want to kill myself. Its like no one understands. They just tell me not to do it because they would miss me to much and that I wont always feel like this.
I just dont even know who I am anymore. I mean if you know me at all and you just read this you will know something is wrong. I NEVER swear like this. Maybe its the stress of my grandfathers illness or the fact that finals are here. Maybe its the holiday stress. I should be alittle merrier right? I hate to admit this but maybe I just need a fucking hug from someone who actually cares.....first I have to find that someone.
Until Next Time
LIA
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The Animal I Have Become
I cant imagine going on like this anymore. Feeling so hopeless and empty. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont recognize the person who is looking back. I've always been a little bit of a loner and Im really akward with people a lot of the time. But I find myself shutting people out. I dont even talk to Sunny anymore. I just pushed her away. Stopped answering her phone calls. Im doing the same thing to Paris. It scares me. I dont want to do that to Alley. She's basically the only friend I have left. I hate that! I hate that I cant be alone. I dont like the fact that I have to have friends. I know that as humans we instinctively need people in our lives. To comfort support love and talk to us. But that just seems like weakness to me. I dont want to be the kind of person who NEEDS someone. But when I think about being alone I cut myself. My whole fucking life has been about leaving me. My father, my friends, I dont think I could handle any more. I know its possible for me to wake up one day and have no one left. Because I pushed them away. Because I was to afraid of letting people get close to me so I just pushed them away. It a crazy and horrible cycle. Dont let anyone close to you but then have no one because your to afraid to let people in. It drives me crazy and I'm doing it to myself!!!
My emotions are everywhere lately. I dont know how Alley stands being around me. If she were wise she'd ignore me. Everyone else has and look at how much better they are without me. Without out my poisionious attitude and vile words. I'm not someone to look forward to seeing. I'm someone who should be avoided. I ruin all that I touch. I can feel myself drowning in the black bile that I have created for myself. I'm....seriously thinking of....ending my life. I've thought it through....I know how I'd do it...what I'd write in my note.....which of my possessions I would leave to Alley and my family.
I wish that I had someone here to talk to. Damn.....I'm sick of holding shit inside. No one would want to listen to me complain anyway......
Until Next Time
LIA
My emotions are everywhere lately. I dont know how Alley stands being around me. If she were wise she'd ignore me. Everyone else has and look at how much better they are without me. Without out my poisionious attitude and vile words. I'm not someone to look forward to seeing. I'm someone who should be avoided. I ruin all that I touch. I can feel myself drowning in the black bile that I have created for myself. I'm....seriously thinking of....ending my life. I've thought it through....I know how I'd do it...what I'd write in my note.....which of my possessions I would leave to Alley and my family.
I wish that I had someone here to talk to. Damn.....I'm sick of holding shit inside. No one would want to listen to me complain anyway......
Until Next Time
LIA
Monday, December 14, 2009
Graduation...Jobs....Life
Everything is becoming overwhelmingly stressful. Graduation is 5 months away! I havent ordered my cap and gown, or my tassel. Although my grandmother gave me the money for it I havent filled out the order form yet because everytime I look at it the thing gets more complicated. Plus I have no stamps to send it anyway.
Everytime I think about graduation I think about college and getting a job. I want to go to tech school in the city. Im halfway accepted all I have to do is take a drug test. But I cant because I dont have an I.D. because I lost it!!!! DAMN MYSELF!!!!! I want to go to tech school for phlabotomy which is blood taking and lab work. After graduation Im moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to my school. So I'll have to get a job which scares me shitless. Im not a huge people person and Ive only ever had one job which sucked ass by the way. But I do need the money for school. Once I get my liscense for phlabotomy I'll get a job at one of the hospitals and go back to school for Crime Scene and Trauma Cleanup. Yes! I plan on cleaning up murder and suicide scences blood and guts etc. You may think thats weird but Im good at cleaning...they make big bucks...and none of that stuff creeps me out.
See I've got all these plans and goals Im just not sure if I can do it. The only thing thats holding me back is myself. I want to make money and move to Ireland. I just dont know if Im smart enough to do all the things I want. I dont believe that Im good enough. GRRRRRR!!!!!
I dont want to grow up. I didnt sign on for this. I had no say in being born!!!!!! BLEH!!!!!
Everytime I think about graduation I think about college and getting a job. I want to go to tech school in the city. Im halfway accepted all I have to do is take a drug test. But I cant because I dont have an I.D. because I lost it!!!! DAMN MYSELF!!!!! I want to go to tech school for phlabotomy which is blood taking and lab work. After graduation Im moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to my school. So I'll have to get a job which scares me shitless. Im not a huge people person and Ive only ever had one job which sucked ass by the way. But I do need the money for school. Once I get my liscense for phlabotomy I'll get a job at one of the hospitals and go back to school for Crime Scene and Trauma Cleanup. Yes! I plan on cleaning up murder and suicide scences blood and guts etc. You may think thats weird but Im good at cleaning...they make big bucks...and none of that stuff creeps me out.
See I've got all these plans and goals Im just not sure if I can do it. The only thing thats holding me back is myself. I want to make money and move to Ireland. I just dont know if Im smart enough to do all the things I want. I dont believe that Im good enough. GRRRRRR!!!!!
I dont want to grow up. I didnt sign on for this. I had no say in being born!!!!!! BLEH!!!!!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Sitting here alone...
I always seem to be alone dont I? Its crazy even when I'm in a room full of people I feel entirely alone. No matter what I'm alone. Alone with my fears and doubts. Alone with my worries and thoughts. Thoughts that haunt me in the day as much as they do in the night. Come to think of it day is night for me anymore. It seems music and the voice in the back of my head are the only things that keep me company. When Im alone I do stupid things like cut and drown in the black bile I create for myself. When I'm alone everything floods my mind at once causing me to shudder and gasp at my own darkness.
I matter to no one...correct?....Without me the world has it all....Alone is what I shall be until the day comes when I can move on...to a place of peace and hopefulness.
wow...sorry I get rather depressed when I'm by myself (which seems to be more and more these days)
I matter to no one...correct?....Without me the world has it all....Alone is what I shall be until the day comes when I can move on...to a place of peace and hopefulness.
wow...sorry I get rather depressed when I'm by myself (which seems to be more and more these days)
Oh Star by Paramore
Oh star fall down on me
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for
Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.
And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.
And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?
Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
That I had it.
But I forget.
And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade away.
I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away from me,
You will never fade...
Oh star fall down on me.
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for
Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.
And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.
And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?
Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
That I had it.
But I forget.
And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade away.
I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away from me,
You will never fade...
Oh star fall down on me.
If you could
1. If you could have stopped aging at any point in life till now, how old would you want to be forever? 10...i was happy at 10
2. If you could possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would it be?
singing or playing piano
3. If you could be fluent in another language you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
german or celtic(what they speak in Ireland)
4. If you could be forever recognized for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
making people laugh
5. If you could break one athletic record, which record would it be?
i cant even walk without tripping what makes you think i could be athletic? :)
6. If you could only save one thing from your place in event of a disaster, what would it be?
my book with all my poems in it
7. If you could “uninvent” one thing from the world so it no longer existed, what would it be?
dvd players in cars...you dont need a tv in a car
8. If you could have one personality trait from someone, what from whom would you choose?
Alley's ability to make people laugh
9. If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?
rob a bank
10. If you could ensure your children had one experience you had, what would that be?
sitting with my grandpa on our porch swing
11. If you could start a new charity, who or what would it help?
research for spina bifida...my brother has it
12. If you could have lived the life of a fictional character, who would it be?
Bella!!! from Twilight...who doesnt want Edward lol
13. If you could resolve any dispute in the world right now, which one would you resolve?
obviously the war
14. If you could give out an annual award, what would it be for and who would win it first?
everyone who graduates high school...more people drop out now more than ever
15. If you could get rid of one fear you have, which fear would it be?
my fear that no one will ever like me
2. If you could possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would it be?
singing or playing piano
3. If you could be fluent in another language you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
german or celtic(what they speak in Ireland)
4. If you could be forever recognized for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
making people laugh
5. If you could break one athletic record, which record would it be?
i cant even walk without tripping what makes you think i could be athletic? :)
6. If you could only save one thing from your place in event of a disaster, what would it be?
my book with all my poems in it
7. If you could “uninvent” one thing from the world so it no longer existed, what would it be?
dvd players in cars...you dont need a tv in a car
8. If you could have one personality trait from someone, what from whom would you choose?
Alley's ability to make people laugh
9. If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?
rob a bank
10. If you could ensure your children had one experience you had, what would that be?
sitting with my grandpa on our porch swing
11. If you could start a new charity, who or what would it help?
research for spina bifida...my brother has it
12. If you could have lived the life of a fictional character, who would it be?
Bella!!! from Twilight...who doesnt want Edward lol
13. If you could resolve any dispute in the world right now, which one would you resolve?
obviously the war
14. If you could give out an annual award, what would it be for and who would win it first?
everyone who graduates high school...more people drop out now more than ever
15. If you could get rid of one fear you have, which fear would it be?
my fear that no one will ever like me
One of those things you fill out...Im bored
would you rather...
shave your head OR not taste food for a whole year?
I would rather not taste food...that way I could lose weight lol
walk barefoot across hot coals OR sleep in a bed of ice cubes
bed of ice cubes
never meet your true love OR never see your parents again
wow....thats hard but I'd have to choose never meeting my true love
not shower for a month OR break your right hand
break my hand
get a relaxing massage OR eat a hot fudge sundae
relaxing massage
make out with your celebrity crush OR win a $10,000 shopping spree
make out with my celebrity crush who needs money?
drop your ipod in the toilet OR drop your cell phone off a cliff
iPod my phone is my life
go skydiving OR scuba diving
skydiving...?
get trapped in an elevator with your enemy OR get locked in a porta potty
porta potty...
have perfect, clear skin OR have beautiful, silky hair
skin...theres always wigs lol
food OR sleep
SLEEP!!!!
find a cure for cancer OR a cure for AIDS
it sucks that i should have to choose...i say both
have a baby with someone you just met OR have a baby with your current ex
AH! definitely with someone i just met...sad but true
do you write poetry?
yes, all the time
is there a blanket in the room you're in right now?
not sure?
cheez-its or cheese nips?
cheez-its all the way!!
do you have your ears pierced?
yup...
do you wear makeup regularly?
yup yup...every single day...unless i'm having a lazy day at home
did you have cereal for breakfast today?
no i like toast
are you wearing green today?
ew i hate green
have you worn headphones at any point today?
nope
where is your hairbrush?
one in my bathroom...one in my bag
last time you tripped over something?
today in history class i tripped over a chair...then Alley did it not two seconds later
do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
yes...i cant have my food touch...and the clothes in my closet are organized by color
last thing you laughed at
ten minutes ago....my aunts dog sneezed on her
have you eaten something made from cheese today?
no
what was the last cuss word you said out loud
damn...or maybe douche bag if that counts
last person you yelled at
myself
why did you yell at them?
because im me
favorite type of apple
any
last big realization you had
that im almost an adult
time you woke up yesterday
2:00am
do you call it soda, pop, coke or something else?
pop....but i dont drink it...pop is gross
what sounds do you hear right now?
bad romance by lady gaga and the heater
what color were the last socks you wore?
white with different colored stars lol
last time you roda a bike
forever ago
think of the person you love that lives farthest away. who is it?
my aunt...lives in alaska
where do they live?
alaska..didnt i already clarify that
last time you went to visit them
never
closest plaid object too you
none...oh thats sad
last time you had blood drawn
about three years ago...
do you make fun of ugly people?
i try not to but i am human.
last thing you purchased
hair dye...and hair spray...and conditioner
do you own a stand-up mirror?
yes
are there some things that can't be joked about with you?
yes like my ability to trip over a completely flat surface
do you like screamo music?
ABSOLUTELY :)
do you listen to music while you clean?
yes
who is your favorite rapper?
tech n9ne
do you think it's annoying when little kids wear too much makeup?
most definitely...where are their parents?
do you know a REAL prince or princess?
no...:(
do you make wishes on things?
yes...shooting stars, repeating numbers on a digital clock, the last upturned cigarette in the pack,
favorite michael jackson song
thriller
do you recycle?
not really
have you ever beat up a vending machine for any reason?
yes damn thing ate my cheetos and my dollar
last time you went to an outlet mall
idk
last thing you regretted
oh boy...where to start
what happens to you when you feel nervous?
i sweat ew
do you have any spare batteries laying around?
most likely somewhere
last time you had a doctor's appointment
idk
do you like gatorade?
purple only
do you ever have doubts about anything?
who doesn't?
have you ever gone inside an attic?
i live in my attic
do you have anything hidden under your bed?
there's crap under there but not on purpose
did you make your bed this morning?
i dont make my bed...its for sleeping in not making
what does the last locked message in your inbox say and who is it from?
i dont have texting....im a loser lol
shave your head OR not taste food for a whole year?
I would rather not taste food...that way I could lose weight lol
walk barefoot across hot coals OR sleep in a bed of ice cubes
bed of ice cubes
never meet your true love OR never see your parents again
wow....thats hard but I'd have to choose never meeting my true love
not shower for a month OR break your right hand
break my hand
get a relaxing massage OR eat a hot fudge sundae
relaxing massage
make out with your celebrity crush OR win a $10,000 shopping spree
make out with my celebrity crush who needs money?
drop your ipod in the toilet OR drop your cell phone off a cliff
iPod my phone is my life
go skydiving OR scuba diving
skydiving...?
get trapped in an elevator with your enemy OR get locked in a porta potty
porta potty...
have perfect, clear skin OR have beautiful, silky hair
skin...theres always wigs lol
food OR sleep
SLEEP!!!!
find a cure for cancer OR a cure for AIDS
it sucks that i should have to choose...i say both
have a baby with someone you just met OR have a baby with your current ex
AH! definitely with someone i just met...sad but true
do you write poetry?
yes, all the time
is there a blanket in the room you're in right now?
not sure?
cheez-its or cheese nips?
cheez-its all the way!!
do you have your ears pierced?
yup...
do you wear makeup regularly?
yup yup...every single day...unless i'm having a lazy day at home
did you have cereal for breakfast today?
no i like toast
are you wearing green today?
ew i hate green
have you worn headphones at any point today?
nope
where is your hairbrush?
one in my bathroom...one in my bag
last time you tripped over something?
today in history class i tripped over a chair...then Alley did it not two seconds later
do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
yes...i cant have my food touch...and the clothes in my closet are organized by color
last thing you laughed at
ten minutes ago....my aunts dog sneezed on her
have you eaten something made from cheese today?
no
what was the last cuss word you said out loud
damn...or maybe douche bag if that counts
last person you yelled at
myself
why did you yell at them?
because im me
favorite type of apple
any
last big realization you had
that im almost an adult
time you woke up yesterday
2:00am
do you call it soda, pop, coke or something else?
pop....but i dont drink it...pop is gross
what sounds do you hear right now?
bad romance by lady gaga and the heater
what color were the last socks you wore?
white with different colored stars lol
last time you roda a bike
forever ago
think of the person you love that lives farthest away. who is it?
my aunt...lives in alaska
where do they live?
alaska..didnt i already clarify that
last time you went to visit them
never
closest plaid object too you
none...oh thats sad
last time you had blood drawn
about three years ago...
do you make fun of ugly people?
i try not to but i am human.
last thing you purchased
hair dye...and hair spray...and conditioner
do you own a stand-up mirror?
yes
are there some things that can't be joked about with you?
yes like my ability to trip over a completely flat surface
do you like screamo music?
ABSOLUTELY :)
do you listen to music while you clean?
yes
who is your favorite rapper?
tech n9ne
do you think it's annoying when little kids wear too much makeup?
most definitely...where are their parents?
do you know a REAL prince or princess?
no...:(
do you make wishes on things?
yes...shooting stars, repeating numbers on a digital clock, the last upturned cigarette in the pack,
favorite michael jackson song
thriller
do you recycle?
not really
have you ever beat up a vending machine for any reason?
yes damn thing ate my cheetos and my dollar
last time you went to an outlet mall
idk
last thing you regretted
oh boy...where to start
what happens to you when you feel nervous?
i sweat ew
do you have any spare batteries laying around?
most likely somewhere
last time you had a doctor's appointment
idk
do you like gatorade?
purple only
do you ever have doubts about anything?
who doesn't?
have you ever gone inside an attic?
i live in my attic
do you have anything hidden under your bed?
there's crap under there but not on purpose
did you make your bed this morning?
i dont make my bed...its for sleeping in not making
what does the last locked message in your inbox say and who is it from?
i dont have texting....im a loser lol
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I Remember
I was talking to my grandmother on the phone last night. We were talking about my graduation party. I mentioned to her that my father wasnt invited. She asked me "Why isnt he invited, do you even remember what it is about him that you hate so much?" and I simply replied "I remember."
I remember I was thirteen years old.
I remember I was washing dishes.
I remember my father fighting with his wife in the bathroom.
I remember it suddenly going quiet.
I remeber hearing the dish rag scrubbing against the plate I was washing.
I remember my father saying my name.
I remember turning around and facing him.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath.
I remember his voice scaring me so bad that I dropped the plate.
I remember him yelling at me for dropping the plate.
I remember him grabbing my arm and dragging me to him.
I remember the glaze over his eyes.
I remember him taking hold of a clump of my hair and wretching me backwards.
I remember my head hitting the fridge.
I remember my teeth clenching together.
I remember biting my tounge.
I remember the look of total satisfaction in my fathers eyes.
I remember the words he said to me " Completely useless is what you are!"
I remember him walking away without a backward glance.
Thats....what I remember......
I remember I was thirteen years old.
I remember I was washing dishes.
I remember my father fighting with his wife in the bathroom.
I remember it suddenly going quiet.
I remeber hearing the dish rag scrubbing against the plate I was washing.
I remember my father saying my name.
I remember turning around and facing him.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath.
I remember his voice scaring me so bad that I dropped the plate.
I remember him yelling at me for dropping the plate.
I remember him grabbing my arm and dragging me to him.
I remember the glaze over his eyes.
I remember him taking hold of a clump of my hair and wretching me backwards.
I remember my head hitting the fridge.
I remember my teeth clenching together.
I remember biting my tounge.
I remember the look of total satisfaction in my fathers eyes.
I remember the words he said to me " Completely useless is what you are!"
I remember him walking away without a backward glance.
Thats....what I remember......
To All Of You
To all of you
that are hurting
To all of you
who are sad
To all of you
who remain crying
To all of you
who are mad
To all of you
who self-harm
To all of you
who've lost hope
To all of you
alone out there
To all of you
I'm here
that are hurting
To all of you
who are sad
To all of you
who remain crying
To all of you
who are mad
To all of you
who self-harm
To all of you
who've lost hope
To all of you
alone out there
To all of you
I'm here
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Death Is Not Beautiful When Its Not Your Own
I've seen dead people before. In science labs for school. I seen my grandpa in his casket when I was ten. But I've never seen a dying person before. My grandpa on my dad's side has had cancer since before I can remember. Only 3% of his body is infected with it now, and that is something that I am continously thankful for. But...lately he's been getting worse. He resently had a three week stay in the hospital where he lost 30 pounds. He sleeps more and more and I can see him slowly decaying right before my eyes.
My grandmother called me Tuesday night and told me that he had a CAT scan and the doctors found a mass of fatty tissue growing on his spine. At this point this news doesnt surprise me but it does sadden me. I'm well aware of everything that has ever gone on with my grandpa and I probably know more medical terms than the average 17 year old. The only thing I wish is that I knew enough to save him. I dont want to watch him decay before me. I love him with all my heart. He's the only father figure I have ever had. He thought me how to fish, and he helped me learn to ride my bike without training wheels. He thought me how to make scrambled eggs and he's always believed in me. He may be the most stubborn person in the whole entire world but at least he's stubborn about all the right things.
Sometimes....I dream about him in a casket and I wake up with my heart beating rapidly and my hands sweating. I'm not afraid of death I'm well aware of where it is I'm going after my time here is done. I'm not afraid that I will never see him again because I know that I will. I'm only afraid of not having him around when I need him the most. I'm afraid of not getting to make any more memories with him. I'm afraid of not having any more Christmas's with him. I'm afraid he wont get to see me graduate from High School. I'm afraid of losing him. One thing does calm me though and thats the fact that when he IS gone HE will be my gaurdian angel.
My grandmother called me Tuesday night and told me that he had a CAT scan and the doctors found a mass of fatty tissue growing on his spine. At this point this news doesnt surprise me but it does sadden me. I'm well aware of everything that has ever gone on with my grandpa and I probably know more medical terms than the average 17 year old. The only thing I wish is that I knew enough to save him. I dont want to watch him decay before me. I love him with all my heart. He's the only father figure I have ever had. He thought me how to fish, and he helped me learn to ride my bike without training wheels. He thought me how to make scrambled eggs and he's always believed in me. He may be the most stubborn person in the whole entire world but at least he's stubborn about all the right things.
Sometimes....I dream about him in a casket and I wake up with my heart beating rapidly and my hands sweating. I'm not afraid of death I'm well aware of where it is I'm going after my time here is done. I'm not afraid that I will never see him again because I know that I will. I'm only afraid of not having him around when I need him the most. I'm afraid of not getting to make any more memories with him. I'm afraid of not having any more Christmas's with him. I'm afraid he wont get to see me graduate from High School. I'm afraid of losing him. One thing does calm me though and thats the fact that when he IS gone HE will be my gaurdian angel.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Observation Day....
Today is what I like to call an observation day. Sometimes I like to sit back and just observe people, and thats what I did today. Today was different though because I realized I can learn things about people by watching them and I can also learn things about myself by watching other people. Wanna know what I learned today? Oh, of course you do.
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thump...Thump..ThumpThumpThumpthumpThump
Thats what my heart was doing the other night and I'll tell you why. Wednesday night I went to a play a few towns over with my bestie Alley. We had a good time on the way there we were talking about her boyfriend Rich and we were rocking out to some Hailstrom. It was all good. Well Alley had mentioned that her friend Caleb was in the play but I didnt think of it until much later. The play was amazing it was a play about people putting on a play and they kept messing it up and such. I hadnt laughed that hard in a long time. Well afterwards we went to the lobby and got to talk to all the actors and I got to offically meet Caleb. I was kind of nervous because as I was watching the play I couldnt help but notice how incredibly cute Caleb was. So as we were walking up to him I was planning on what I was going to say to him and I had all these great lines. So we get up to him and Alley gives him a hug then she turns to me and says "Oh and this is my friend Lia"....and thats when my mind went completely blank. Because up close I got to see just how truly adorable he was. I couldnt think of anything to say but "Hi" I'm honestly surprised that I didnt start drooling. We and when I say we I mean Alley talked to Caleb for a little bit but then we had to get going home. When we got outside I turned to Alley and said " You didnt tell me how cute he was going to be". So we started talking about him and Alley wants to hook us up. I grateful for that but I have to accept that its never going to happen. Someone like Caleb would never go for someone like me. Its foolish and selfish to think he would ever like me. Plus I've only talked to him once, and all I said was a meak little "Hi". Bleh sometimes I hate myself why couldnt I have just walked up to him and said something cool....why do I have to mumble and be such a loser...GAH!! Other than that little mishap I had a wonderful time with Alley. And Thurdays night Alley, Paris, Jill, and I all went to New Moon together. I'm surprised we didnt get kicked out we were so loud. It was great. I wish I could go out more.
I know I keep going on about this but I cant stop replaying that scene in my head. I just cant believe I didnt say anything to him. I mean I know he doesnt know me and I'll never be more than a face in the crowd to him but I just wish I would have made myself seem a little less retarded.
Well my wrist is hurting from typing so fast so I''ll just have to finish my ranting another time...
Until Next Time
LIA
I know I keep going on about this but I cant stop replaying that scene in my head. I just cant believe I didnt say anything to him. I mean I know he doesnt know me and I'll never be more than a face in the crowd to him but I just wish I would have made myself seem a little less retarded.
Well my wrist is hurting from typing so fast so I''ll just have to finish my ranting another time...
Until Next Time
LIA
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Lyrics to a beautiful song I heard the other day
Oohh
Oohh
Standing there by the broken tree,
Her hands were all twisted, she was pointing at me.
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes.
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky.
She said 'Walk on over yeah to the bit of shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'
Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
I was out for a drink in a soho bar
The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar
She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost
She was the woman that I wanted the most
As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand
I said 'Lay me down easy let me understand'
Let me sign, let sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
As I walked through the door she was still in my head
As I entered the room she was laid there in bed
She reached out for me all twisted in black
I was on my way down, never coming back
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
Oohh
Standing there by the broken tree,
Her hands were all twisted, she was pointing at me.
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes.
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky.
She said 'Walk on over yeah to the bit of shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'
Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
I was out for a drink in a soho bar
The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar
She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost
She was the woman that I wanted the most
As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand
I said 'Lay me down easy let me understand'
Let me sign, let sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
As I walked through the door she was still in my head
As I entered the room she was laid there in bed
She reached out for me all twisted in black
I was on my way down, never coming back
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Movies you should see if you havent yet...
1. Twilight/New Moon
Yes I know its a new fad but I read all the books which were amazing and I feel in love with the movies. Just give them a try- you might like them.
2. The Proposal
This movie is hilarious! Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are amazing. It's a love story but not a chick flick.
3. Max Payne
I'll admit that when I first started watching this movie I thought it was a little boring but by the end I couldnt get enough of it. Its dark and has a ton of action
4. The Orphan
The movie isnt scary but it sure is demented. The girl who plays Esther should win an award. This movie is funny and sports a suprise ending.
5. The Sound of Music
I'm a huge fan of musicals, and when I first saw this I knew it was special. The story line is a commone one but the songs will stay stuck in your head for days. Julie Andrews, and Christopher Plummer are magic.
6. Edward Scissorhands
I love love love Johnny Depp! While I'll admit this movie is an odd one you cant help but love it.
7. All the Star Wars movies
I'm a nerd at heart so I like Star Wars. The action, the comedy, the whole good vs evil deal. Plus Hayden Christenson isnt too bad either.
8. Moulin Rouge
I'm not to fond of Nicole Kidman but she can sing. Another musical but this one has magic. The ending makes me cry everytime but I cant deny that its awesome.
9. Son In Law
I wish I knew someone like Pauly Shore. This movie is filled with some crazy fashion, and absurd humor. Its a Thanksgiving must see.
10. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
David Spade trying to relive his childhood? What could be better than that? This movie will keep you laughing.
11. Van Helsing
Vampires AND Hugh Jackman? *sigh* Theres really no need to explain why you should see this one.
12. Facing the Giants
Im not a huge football movie lover but this movie is more than that. Its about faith, love, devotion, and the love of God.
13. Bedtime Stories
Adam Sandler, and Russel Brand are magic. In this movie where bedtime stories come true you'll find yourself wishing yours did too.
14. Harry Potter movies
If you havent seen these yet drive to the closest movie stare and get to it. These movies are addictive!
15. Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3
Johnny Depp is magic as Jack Sparrow! These movies give pirates a new definition.
16. Encino Man
Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Frasier! Two high school students discover a caveman in their backyard- enough said!
17. My Girl
A beautiful movie about growing up! Beware: The funeral scene will make you cry.
18. My sisters keeper
A story about family and the power of love. A must see tear jerker.
19. Lord of the Rings 1-3
Hobits, Elves, and Wizards! I love these movies. They'll make you wish you were part of that world.
20. The Emperors New Groove
A one of a kind kiddie movie. I know every line. Its filled with hyterical lines and out of this world situations.
21. The Princess Bride
Andre the Giants best work. Sword fights, pirates, and love what more do you need?
22. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Kathy Bates is magic. Its an oldie but a goodie.
23. West Side Story
Hot Puerto Ricans singing and dancing oh baby! A lengthy intro. but all in all its worth the watch.
24. Cars!
Owen Wilson, and Larry the Cableguy. A kiddie movie for everyone.
25. 10 Things I Hate About You
One of Heath Ledgers best! A movie about high school, love, and just being yourself. Even if you dont like it atleast you get to stare at Heath!
( okay I have about 40 or so more but I'm getting carpel tunnel so I'll finish this list later)
Yes I know its a new fad but I read all the books which were amazing and I feel in love with the movies. Just give them a try- you might like them.
2. The Proposal
This movie is hilarious! Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are amazing. It's a love story but not a chick flick.
3. Max Payne
I'll admit that when I first started watching this movie I thought it was a little boring but by the end I couldnt get enough of it. Its dark and has a ton of action
4. The Orphan
The movie isnt scary but it sure is demented. The girl who plays Esther should win an award. This movie is funny and sports a suprise ending.
5. The Sound of Music
I'm a huge fan of musicals, and when I first saw this I knew it was special. The story line is a commone one but the songs will stay stuck in your head for days. Julie Andrews, and Christopher Plummer are magic.
6. Edward Scissorhands
I love love love Johnny Depp! While I'll admit this movie is an odd one you cant help but love it.
7. All the Star Wars movies
I'm a nerd at heart so I like Star Wars. The action, the comedy, the whole good vs evil deal. Plus Hayden Christenson isnt too bad either.
8. Moulin Rouge
I'm not to fond of Nicole Kidman but she can sing. Another musical but this one has magic. The ending makes me cry everytime but I cant deny that its awesome.
9. Son In Law
I wish I knew someone like Pauly Shore. This movie is filled with some crazy fashion, and absurd humor. Its a Thanksgiving must see.
10. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
David Spade trying to relive his childhood? What could be better than that? This movie will keep you laughing.
11. Van Helsing
Vampires AND Hugh Jackman? *sigh* Theres really no need to explain why you should see this one.
12. Facing the Giants
Im not a huge football movie lover but this movie is more than that. Its about faith, love, devotion, and the love of God.
13. Bedtime Stories
Adam Sandler, and Russel Brand are magic. In this movie where bedtime stories come true you'll find yourself wishing yours did too.
14. Harry Potter movies
If you havent seen these yet drive to the closest movie stare and get to it. These movies are addictive!
15. Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3
Johnny Depp is magic as Jack Sparrow! These movies give pirates a new definition.
16. Encino Man
Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Frasier! Two high school students discover a caveman in their backyard- enough said!
17. My Girl
A beautiful movie about growing up! Beware: The funeral scene will make you cry.
18. My sisters keeper
A story about family and the power of love. A must see tear jerker.
19. Lord of the Rings 1-3
Hobits, Elves, and Wizards! I love these movies. They'll make you wish you were part of that world.
20. The Emperors New Groove
A one of a kind kiddie movie. I know every line. Its filled with hyterical lines and out of this world situations.
21. The Princess Bride
Andre the Giants best work. Sword fights, pirates, and love what more do you need?
22. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Kathy Bates is magic. Its an oldie but a goodie.
23. West Side Story
Hot Puerto Ricans singing and dancing oh baby! A lengthy intro. but all in all its worth the watch.
24. Cars!
Owen Wilson, and Larry the Cableguy. A kiddie movie for everyone.
25. 10 Things I Hate About You
One of Heath Ledgers best! A movie about high school, love, and just being yourself. Even if you dont like it atleast you get to stare at Heath!
( okay I have about 40 or so more but I'm getting carpel tunnel so I'll finish this list later)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving to all....
Well I hope that whoever reads this has a wonderful Thanksgiving....I will be spending mine with my mother, brothers and grandparents....I dont really enjoy eating the food as much as I do making it....and of course I love drinking all the yummy wine....
I dont really have any plans this weekend....I think I'll just stay home and read maybe hangout with Leigh if I get a chance.....I'm super excited for next week though....me and Alley are taking Paris to New Moon she hasnt seen it yet...what a shame right? So thats pretty much all I'm looking forward to right now....
Just wanted to say a quick thanks to all of you who follow my blog even though I know that sometimes my stuff can be a little hard to read...I know I get a little depressing at times but like I've said a million times its the only place I can say what I want and express how I feel....so thank you all again for sticking with through thick and thin...
I dont really have any plans this weekend....I think I'll just stay home and read maybe hangout with Leigh if I get a chance.....I'm super excited for next week though....me and Alley are taking Paris to New Moon she hasnt seen it yet...what a shame right? So thats pretty much all I'm looking forward to right now....
Just wanted to say a quick thanks to all of you who follow my blog even though I know that sometimes my stuff can be a little hard to read...I know I get a little depressing at times but like I've said a million times its the only place I can say what I want and express how I feel....so thank you all again for sticking with through thick and thin...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
New Poem # 2....the better one if you ask me
Alone
surrounded by those who dont care
who cant see the pain I hold onto everday
like a bag of rocks I can never set on the ground.
Trying to take shallow breaths so I wont pass out
my whole body filled with doubt.
Stomach churning
hands sweating
tears rolling down my cheeks
You all look but you cant see.
But just because you dont see something doesnt mean its not there
Dont you realize pain is something we all share?
Mind hazy
day crazy
yet no one stops to ask if I'm okay.
Cant you see theres something I'm itching to say?
Blood rushing
head spinning
I'm playing a game with death and its winning.
Daydreaming
inside's screaming
screaming to be put to rest
to stop this endless. pointless test.
Hands reaching
mouth twitching
minding looking for the right words to say.
Afraid that if I say them they'll lock me up and put me away.
Brain urging me on
mouth forming the words.
But couldnt you see?
The words I've been trying to say were simply
"Help Me!"
surrounded by those who dont care
who cant see the pain I hold onto everday
like a bag of rocks I can never set on the ground.
Trying to take shallow breaths so I wont pass out
my whole body filled with doubt.
Stomach churning
hands sweating
tears rolling down my cheeks
You all look but you cant see.
But just because you dont see something doesnt mean its not there
Dont you realize pain is something we all share?
Mind hazy
day crazy
yet no one stops to ask if I'm okay.
Cant you see theres something I'm itching to say?
Blood rushing
head spinning
I'm playing a game with death and its winning.
Daydreaming
inside's screaming
screaming to be put to rest
to stop this endless. pointless test.
Hands reaching
mouth twitching
minding looking for the right words to say.
Afraid that if I say them they'll lock me up and put me away.
Brain urging me on
mouth forming the words.
But couldnt you see?
The words I've been trying to say were simply
"Help Me!"
New Poem # 1
Cold, compassionless, and empty hearted
All names for who I am
Unfeeling, emotionless, and isolated
All names for who I am
I've heard them all before
Each are true in there own ways
I am cold so I wont have to feel
I am compassionless because others have been to me
I am empty hearted because I have no heart left
I am unfeeling because it is easier to survive that way
I am emotionless so that others wont see my pain
I am isolated because I have been cast out
Worthless, unneeded, and looked down on
All things that I am
Different, Dark, and Lost
All things that I am
I am worthless through others eyes
I am un-needed by all whom I know
I am looked down upon by those I dont know
I am different because I choose to be
I am dark because I find it hard to be bright
I am lost because there is no one out to find me
All names for who I am
Unfeeling, emotionless, and isolated
All names for who I am
I've heard them all before
Each are true in there own ways
I am cold so I wont have to feel
I am compassionless because others have been to me
I am empty hearted because I have no heart left
I am unfeeling because it is easier to survive that way
I am emotionless so that others wont see my pain
I am isolated because I have been cast out
Worthless, unneeded, and looked down on
All things that I am
Different, Dark, and Lost
All things that I am
I am worthless through others eyes
I am un-needed by all whom I know
I am looked down upon by those I dont know
I am different because I choose to be
I am dark because I find it hard to be bright
I am lost because there is no one out to find me
Monday, November 23, 2009
I dont even wanna......
Meh!.....I know I havent posted in a few days.....and theres a good reason behind that.....I've been sleeping....yep sleeping........I slept all weekend.....I slept through all my friends phone calls.....I slept through my family going to the movies....I slept through my classes today....I have no reason to be awake.....I have nothing and no one that needs my attention......I sick of living so sleep is my alternative.....
(by the way I have a few poems that I have written when I wasnt sleeping this weekend I'll post them tomorrow)
(by the way I have a few poems that I have written when I wasnt sleeping this weekend I'll post them tomorrow)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
My Brain Hurts...
I didnt get to go out with Leigh last night but she did stop by my house so I cant be angry with her. It was her boyfriends fault though. Whatever. I'm trying to write this ten page essay for my AP English class and I'm having no luck with it what so ever. I wish I was done with school already.
My life is going good right now. Nothing seems to big that I cant handle it and I havent cut in three days. Thats good for me. I'm hoping I can just get through the week thats all I want. To make it through each day and not feel that endless pain deep within me. But alas everything is good for now and I am grateful for that.
My life is going good right now. Nothing seems to big that I cant handle it and I havent cut in three days. Thats good for me. I'm hoping I can just get through the week thats all I want. To make it through each day and not feel that endless pain deep within me. But alas everything is good for now and I am grateful for that.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Almost Like Time Travel....
Okay so I really think I'm going insane. I keep doing this thing where I'll be talking to someone and the next thing I know I'll be somewhere else doing something different. I have no recollection of how I got their or how long I have been there. I dont remember if I finished talking to the person I was talking to. And I cant remember anything that was said during the conversation. Its really scary.....and weird.
I'm going out tonight with Leigh. I havent seen her in a week. I have alot to share with her. Hoperfully she will be in a good mood because I'm sick of her boyfriend making her pissy all the time. She deserves better. Well wish me luck with the outing....I hope I dont do that spacing out thing...
Until Next Time
LIA
I'm going out tonight with Leigh. I havent seen her in a week. I have alot to share with her. Hoperfully she will be in a good mood because I'm sick of her boyfriend making her pissy all the time. She deserves better. Well wish me luck with the outing....I hope I dont do that spacing out thing...
Until Next Time
LIA
Saturday, November 14, 2009
okay okay
Im going to dedicate a whole post to happiness and what makes me smile....yes I smile
Ten things that make me happy
1. Rainy days
2. blogging
3. writing
4. reading books
5. painting
6. driving my car
7. baking
8. music
9. my true friends
10. the people that comment on my blogs (Hope)
Nine things that I like to do
1. Read
2. take pictures
3. listen to music
4. go to the movies
5. make people laugh
6. write poems
7. sleep
8. sing
9. dance
Eight of my favorite things
1. Mac n Cheese
2. roller coasters
3. grass
4. rain
5. shoes
6. rings
7. books
8. a good song
Seven things I couldnt live without
1. books
2. music
3. rings
4. hats
5. cookies
6. God
7. my dog
Six of my favorite stores
1. Charlotte Russe
2. Hot Topic
3. Rue 21
4. Spencers
5. Vanity
6. Payless
Five things I have to do before I die
1. sing in front of a crowd
2. publish one of my poems
3. fall in love
4. sky dive
5. cure my addiction
Four weird things about myself
1. I like the smell of mud
2. i like hands...i can tell alot by a persons hands
3. If i could eat all the Mac n Cheese in the world i would
4. im really short
Three things that I like about myself
1. my smile
2. my ability to listen
3. my sense of humor
Two favorite places to eat
1. Panera Bread
2. China Star
One confession about myself
1. I trip alot...seriously I cant walk across a flat surface without finding something to trip on
Ten things that make me happy
1. Rainy days
2. blogging
3. writing
4. reading books
5. painting
6. driving my car
7. baking
8. music
9. my true friends
10. the people that comment on my blogs (Hope)
Nine things that I like to do
1. Read
2. take pictures
3. listen to music
4. go to the movies
5. make people laugh
6. write poems
7. sleep
8. sing
9. dance
Eight of my favorite things
1. Mac n Cheese
2. roller coasters
3. grass
4. rain
5. shoes
6. rings
7. books
8. a good song
Seven things I couldnt live without
1. books
2. music
3. rings
4. hats
5. cookies
6. God
7. my dog
Six of my favorite stores
1. Charlotte Russe
2. Hot Topic
3. Rue 21
4. Spencers
5. Vanity
6. Payless
Five things I have to do before I die
1. sing in front of a crowd
2. publish one of my poems
3. fall in love
4. sky dive
5. cure my addiction
Four weird things about myself
1. I like the smell of mud
2. i like hands...i can tell alot by a persons hands
3. If i could eat all the Mac n Cheese in the world i would
4. im really short
Three things that I like about myself
1. my smile
2. my ability to listen
3. my sense of humor
Two favorite places to eat
1. Panera Bread
2. China Star
One confession about myself
1. I trip alot...seriously I cant walk across a flat surface without finding something to trip on
Sucky Poem...meh
I cant get it out of my head
Im forbidden to remeber
but horrified to forget
How did all this start
How can all this be
Was this because of you or me
If it was you please take it away
My only wish is to be pain free for a day
If it was me
well then I understand
Ill just continue sinking into this quicksand
I hope to one day be free
because then I'll quickly grab my bags and flee
But for now I remain cursed
with this cross to bear
Im forbidden to remeber
but horrified to forget
How did all this start
How can all this be
Was this because of you or me
If it was you please take it away
My only wish is to be pain free for a day
If it was me
well then I understand
Ill just continue sinking into this quicksand
I hope to one day be free
because then I'll quickly grab my bags and flee
But for now I remain cursed
with this cross to bear
Friday, November 13, 2009
Somebody Help Me Please.....
Help
Me
Please
I
Cant
Stop
Im
Destroying
Myself
And
I
Dont
Want
To
Quite
Im
Perfectly
Content
With
Ripping
Myself
Apart
Until
There
Is
Nothing
Left
Of
Me
There
Has
To
Be
Something
Other
Than
This
I
Remember
It
I
Have
Memories
In
The
Back
Of
My
Head
Theres
More
Than
Just
Pain
In
This
World
What
Is
In
My
Mind
That
Is
Blocking
Happiness
Please
I
Beg
Of
You
Make
It
Stop!!!!!!
Me
Please
I
Cant
Stop
Im
Destroying
Myself
And
I
Dont
Want
To
Quite
Im
Perfectly
Content
With
Ripping
Myself
Apart
Until
There
Is
Nothing
Left
Of
Me
There
Has
To
Be
Something
Other
Than
This
I
Remember
It
I
Have
Memories
In
The
Back
Of
My
Head
Theres
More
Than
Just
Pain
In
This
World
What
Is
In
My
Mind
That
Is
Blocking
Happiness
Please
I
Beg
Of
You
Make
It
Stop!!!!!!
I never thought....
I never thought coming to my grandparents house would open up old wounds. Seeing my dad again....WOW!!!!! talk about a punch straight to the stomach good thing I got out of there as fast as possible. At this very moment I'm babysitting my three beautiful younger cousins. Regina, Scarlett, and Amen. I'm so glad that each of them are happy and doing well in school. My aunt Violet...well shes healthy and happy with her life but...things are just strange between us. I hate the fact that I live so far away from her. I remember how close we were when I was little. And to see that its not like it used to be and to know that it will never again be that way makes me terribly sad.
I also have to admit that being around my grandpa scares me shitless. He looks so sick and sad. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he could do all the things he used to be able to. I wish he could move about with ease and I wish he had no aches or pain. But the way I figure it you have to be able to fix your own pain before you can fix someone elses right?
I'm listening to my cousins in the other room and their innocent laughter is making my heart ache. I remember when I use to laugh like that. I remember when my laugh was innocent and care free. Now my laughs and forced and usually fake. I'm now extremely happy that I decided to take my blade along with me this weekend. I guess I knew in the back of my head that I would need it. Why let family carve wounds into my me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I can only hope that the rest of my weekend goes better than it is right now. Thank God for my cousins and their laughter and jokes. For they keep me semi-sane.
I also have to admit that being around my grandpa scares me shitless. He looks so sick and sad. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he could do all the things he used to be able to. I wish he could move about with ease and I wish he had no aches or pain. But the way I figure it you have to be able to fix your own pain before you can fix someone elses right?
I'm listening to my cousins in the other room and their innocent laughter is making my heart ache. I remember when I use to laugh like that. I remember when my laugh was innocent and care free. Now my laughs and forced and usually fake. I'm now extremely happy that I decided to take my blade along with me this weekend. I guess I knew in the back of my head that I would need it. Why let family carve wounds into my me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I can only hope that the rest of my weekend goes better than it is right now. Thank God for my cousins and their laughter and jokes. For they keep me semi-sane.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
55.....
55 cuts run up my side
55 secrets I have to hide
55 insecurities carved into my flesh
55 reasons my life is such a mess
55 battle wounds from the war waged upon myself
55 worries I cant store upon a shelf
55 feelings I can no longer keep inside
55 troubles I dont want to keep in my mind
55 scars I will bare in passing time
55 reminders of the pain that is all mine
55 secrets I have to hide
55 insecurities carved into my flesh
55 reasons my life is such a mess
55 battle wounds from the war waged upon myself
55 worries I cant store upon a shelf
55 feelings I can no longer keep inside
55 troubles I dont want to keep in my mind
55 scars I will bare in passing time
55 reminders of the pain that is all mine
Randomness...and Awesomeness...not really
The weather today matches my attitude perfectly. Its rainy and gray outside just like me. I'm down and out of it today. Have been all week really. Cant wait for this weekend. I finally get to get out of this town. I'm going to visit my grandparents whom I miss dearly.
Abby is driving me nuts. She only talks to me when she wants something. A shopping buddy or someone to vent to. Paris has been avoiding me lately. Aw well guess I'm not really surprised I suck at keeping friendships. Sunny hasnt spoken to me since that night we went out-figures-I knew in the back of my head that she would do that.
Theres also this guy that I like his name is Kenton. Things are not going well between us. You see Kenton is about four years older than me. I suppose I should just suck it up and accept the fact that he is never going to like me the way that I like him. Something you just dont get in this life right? Hopefully this weekend away will help me decide some stuff. There are so many thoughts and questions inside my head all the time.
Is Paris truly my friend? What is wrong with Abby-why does she only come around when its to her benefit? Why doesnt Kenton like me? Is it my looks or my age? Will I get into college? Does my mother hate me? Where is my father? Why cant I help Sunny? Why isnt anyone helping me? Who else suffers like me? Does anyone see through my mask? Will I hurt forever? Why am I like this?
It seems I shall have to pay a visit to my little sliver of happiness. Beg for forgivness for not giving in sooner. Promise not to wait so long next time. Take my blade dig it into my skin and tear my flesh apart. Watch as the bile leaves my body. Rejoice in the satisfaction it brings. Like I always say " Happiness is only a cut away!"
Abby is driving me nuts. She only talks to me when she wants something. A shopping buddy or someone to vent to. Paris has been avoiding me lately. Aw well guess I'm not really surprised I suck at keeping friendships. Sunny hasnt spoken to me since that night we went out-figures-I knew in the back of my head that she would do that.
Theres also this guy that I like his name is Kenton. Things are not going well between us. You see Kenton is about four years older than me. I suppose I should just suck it up and accept the fact that he is never going to like me the way that I like him. Something you just dont get in this life right? Hopefully this weekend away will help me decide some stuff. There are so many thoughts and questions inside my head all the time.
Is Paris truly my friend? What is wrong with Abby-why does she only come around when its to her benefit? Why doesnt Kenton like me? Is it my looks or my age? Will I get into college? Does my mother hate me? Where is my father? Why cant I help Sunny? Why isnt anyone helping me? Who else suffers like me? Does anyone see through my mask? Will I hurt forever? Why am I like this?
It seems I shall have to pay a visit to my little sliver of happiness. Beg for forgivness for not giving in sooner. Promise not to wait so long next time. Take my blade dig it into my skin and tear my flesh apart. Watch as the bile leaves my body. Rejoice in the satisfaction it brings. Like I always say " Happiness is only a cut away!"
Monday, November 9, 2009
Fuck it Im gonna spill....My Secret
My secret
is I'm crazy
My secret
is I'm lost
My secret
is addicting
My secret
keeps me strong
My secret
is disturbing
My secret
you may find wrong...
My secret
is that I cut myself
My secret
is that I like it
My secret
is that I do it everyday
My secret
is that I will not stop no matter what you say
My secret
is a silver blade I use to keep me sane
is I'm crazy
My secret
is I'm lost
My secret
is addicting
My secret
keeps me strong
My secret
is disturbing
My secret
you may find wrong...
My secret
is that I cut myself
My secret
is that I like it
My secret
is that I do it everyday
My secret
is that I will not stop no matter what you say
My secret
is a silver blade I use to keep me sane
Why?.....
I've slipped I've fallen. I'm right back where I always seem to be. I'm spinning in a black hole of misery. I'm alone and isolated. No one is here for me and I am there for no one. It seems that all I want to do is be numb and I will do anything to be that way. I would be happy to lay in my bed and sleep my life away. I feel as if I can do nothing right and I feel that I will never be anything. I think alot about what it would be like if I wasnt here anymore. Would the people I have let down and disappointed be happier? Would my friends be glad that I wasnt around? Would my family be happy that I was no longer taking up space? No one wants me around so I truly dont understand why I am around.
I am hated
I am selfish
I am mean
I am ugly
I am lazy
I am isolated
I am depressed
I am lost
I am good for nothing
I am a disappointment to my mother
I am a bad sister to my brothers
I am a failure to my friends
I am nothing
I am no one
I am hated
I am selfish
I am mean
I am ugly
I am lazy
I am isolated
I am depressed
I am lost
I am good for nothing
I am a disappointment to my mother
I am a bad sister to my brothers
I am a failure to my friends
I am nothing
I am no one
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Survey.....which I got from my dearest Mango
1. Where is your cell phone? In my car
2. Your hair? messy from the crazy wind outside
3. Your mother? Amazing!...but oblivious
4. Your father? Dont have one
5. Favorite Food? is tea a food?
6. Your dream last night? I dont dream
7. Favorite drink? Tea or coffee
8. Your dream? Lots of those...
9. What room are you in? My Spanish class lol
10. Hobbies? Reading and photography
11. Your fear? Spiders and...well thats a whole different story
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Ireland..but I'd be happy to be anywhere but the nut hut which is where Im headed.
13. Where were you last night? On an outing with Sunny
14. Something that you arent? Worthy of everything I have
15. Muffins? no..
16. Wish list item? A camera
17. Last thing you did? Took a Spanish test
18. Last thing you said? "You gonna be okay over there?"
19. What are you wearing? Black hoodie, black jeans and black uggs
20. Your t.v? What about it?...
21. Your pets? My dog Jack..hes the cutest
22. Friends? Still working on that
23. Your life? Could use some improvements
24. Your mood? depressed and lonely
25. Missing someone? My grandpa whos in the hospital
26. Car? Sweet little Geo i got on Halloween
27. Something your not wearing? my hat
28. Favorite store? Rue 21
29. Favorite color? Black :D
30. When was the last time you laughed? Idk...yesterday
31. Last time you cried? I dont have tear ducts...its a sad story...its actually a blessing that way I cant ever cry..
32. Best-Friend? Dont have one..most likely never will
33. One place I go to over and over again? Graveyard and school
34. One person who talks to me regularly? Um....
35. Favorite place to eat? Panera
(thanx mango :D )
sounds corny but..TGIF!!!!
I'm sitting in Spanish class and I could not be happier that it is Friday. I get out of this jail cell in less than 40 minutes and I know I will have to restrain myself from running all the way to my car.
My outing with Sunny went rather well last night. We went to Wal-Mart lol. :D I got some new shoes and then we went to a movie. The whole night almost made me feel like a real girl. I'm just glad Sunny and I are on good terms now...
Alas the whole feeling like a real girl has not been brought over to today. I feel cold and numb once again and can not wait to go home curl up in my bed and slip slowly into madness. I will have all weekend to think about if I'm going to spill my secret on here or not. For now I will just have to be content in my own feelings of solitude and isolation. I will continue watching through my eyes as everyone lives a life that I will never have.
Until Next Time
LIA
Thursday, November 5, 2009
An Outing oh joy!!!!.....
So I'm going out with a "friend" tonight I dont know what to call her yet. Sunny is such a complicated person. She's the only person I know who shares the same secret I do only she doesnt even know it :( I'm not sure how this outing will go since we havent been on good terms on quite some time. Well I have to go pick her up wish me luck...
Until Next Time
LIA
Until Next Time
LIA
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Tuesdays.....and True Friends...
I've learned over the past three months that I do not like Tuesdays. There probably the worst day of the week for me. It's the day I get the most homework, and it's the day where everything seems to go wrong. It's also the day where I get to find out how the rest of my week goes. So far this week does not look promising.
I wanted to blog about friends and true friends. Being that this is my last year of high school I guess you could say that I'm finally getting to see who my true friends are. You know those real friends who will stand by you no matter what. Those few friends who no matter what you do will never think less of you. And sadly I'm finding that I only have two so far. Sad...
Alley and Paris are the only two true friends I seem to have as of now. Alley is the funniest girl I have ever known. She's the only person I know that loves movies as much as I do. We seem to be on the same brain wave most of the time and thats cool. Paris is such a sweetheart. She wouldnt hurt a fly. She has a life like mine although she deserves much better. She understands my morals and values and can see life like I see it for the most part.
I'm still trying to figure out Abby. We can be silly together and she can make me laugh even when I dont want to. But a part of her has a bad temper and she can be rude and extremely selfish. I dont think I could ever talk to her about my problems.
Leigh is another one of my friends that I am still trying to figure out. We've been friends since the 6th grade but she keeps changing. She lives with her boyfriend and works all the time. I only get to see her once a week. I just dont think were the same people we were in the 6th grade. I hope we dont grow apart but it seems that that is what we are doing.
I just wish I had someone I could tell. My secret is starting to control me and thats not what I intended. I'm the one who is supposed to be in control. My secret makes me in control...right? I feel as if I have to tell someone but I'm not sure if I ever will. I just wish I had a friend that could tell something was wrong. A friend that would ask me if I was okay. Thats all I want is for someone to care. But...yet I remain alone. Desperately and entirely alone....
I wanted to blog about friends and true friends. Being that this is my last year of high school I guess you could say that I'm finally getting to see who my true friends are. You know those real friends who will stand by you no matter what. Those few friends who no matter what you do will never think less of you. And sadly I'm finding that I only have two so far. Sad...
Alley and Paris are the only two true friends I seem to have as of now. Alley is the funniest girl I have ever known. She's the only person I know that loves movies as much as I do. We seem to be on the same brain wave most of the time and thats cool. Paris is such a sweetheart. She wouldnt hurt a fly. She has a life like mine although she deserves much better. She understands my morals and values and can see life like I see it for the most part.
I'm still trying to figure out Abby. We can be silly together and she can make me laugh even when I dont want to. But a part of her has a bad temper and she can be rude and extremely selfish. I dont think I could ever talk to her about my problems.
Leigh is another one of my friends that I am still trying to figure out. We've been friends since the 6th grade but she keeps changing. She lives with her boyfriend and works all the time. I only get to see her once a week. I just dont think were the same people we were in the 6th grade. I hope we dont grow apart but it seems that that is what we are doing.
I just wish I had someone I could tell. My secret is starting to control me and thats not what I intended. I'm the one who is supposed to be in control. My secret makes me in control...right? I feel as if I have to tell someone but I'm not sure if I ever will. I just wish I had a friend that could tell something was wrong. A friend that would ask me if I was okay. Thats all I want is for someone to care. But...yet I remain alone. Desperately and entirely alone....
Friday, October 30, 2009
And Yet...
Halloween is tomorrow and yet...
im too sad to be happy
Im halfway accepted into college and yet...
im still nervous as hell
He told me I was pretty and yet...
im ugly as can be
Everyone sees my smile and yet...
its slowly coming undone
We have been over for how long now and yet...
he is still in my mind
I need to tell my secret to you few faithful readers and yet...
i keep it bottled up inside
im too sad to be happy
Im halfway accepted into college and yet...
im still nervous as hell
He told me I was pretty and yet...
im ugly as can be
Everyone sees my smile and yet...
its slowly coming undone
We have been over for how long now and yet...
he is still in my mind
I need to tell my secret to you few faithful readers and yet...
i keep it bottled up inside
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Alone At My Windowsill
Alone at my windowsill
staring at the world
Alone at my windowsill
I watch the worm crawl from the bird
Alone at my windowsill
I watch everyone else live their lives
Alone at my windowsill
as each day passes
Alone at my windowsill
I'm missing out on life
Alone at my windowsill
I'm growing old with age
Alone at my windowsill
I slowly fade away
staring at the world
Alone at my windowsill
I watch the worm crawl from the bird
Alone at my windowsill
I watch everyone else live their lives
Alone at my windowsill
as each day passes
Alone at my windowsill
I'm missing out on life
Alone at my windowsill
I'm growing old with age
Alone at my windowsill
I slowly fade away
Insults
I've never really noticed just how many insults I hear about various people throughout each day. As a human I'm guilty of it to not proud of it mind you but still guilty. It makes me sad and also extremely disappointed.
Insults are everywhere. In day to day conversations, in television shows, in magazines. Insults are in the sneer I get at lunchtime, and the giggles that clutch at me in the hallways. We are the cows of conversation, grazing in a field of insults, gnawing the the latest gossip.
....Sorry sometimes I try to make a point and all that comes out is pure gibberish. I was just thinking about insults, gossip, and lies. Whatever I'm over it now...
Insults are everywhere. In day to day conversations, in television shows, in magazines. Insults are in the sneer I get at lunchtime, and the giggles that clutch at me in the hallways. We are the cows of conversation, grazing in a field of insults, gnawing the the latest gossip.
....Sorry sometimes I try to make a point and all that comes out is pure gibberish. I was just thinking about insults, gossip, and lies. Whatever I'm over it now...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Essays
I'm writing this essay for my AP English class on the life and poems of Emily Dickinson, and all the while I cant help but think....is this essay in any way going to improve my life? Granted my grade in English may matter (though not to me)....but when you really think about it...probably not. It wouldnt bother me so much if the paper didnt have to be 8 pages long. I mean really theres only so much you can cover about one one person.
Sorry this essay has just got me a tad stressed out, I really didnt need this essay on top of everything else I have going on in my life. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me semi-sane right now is the fact that Halloween is on saturday!! :D Another thing is......oh crap never mind I'm late for class....sorry
Until next time- Lia
Sorry this essay has just got me a tad stressed out, I really didnt need this essay on top of everything else I have going on in my life. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me semi-sane right now is the fact that Halloween is on saturday!! :D Another thing is......oh crap never mind I'm late for class....sorry
Until next time- Lia
Introductions
Well, I suppose introductions are in order. To anyone who may be reading this, you may refer to me as Lia. I'd just like to point out that I have never kept a blog before so this blog may at times seem random, unorganized, and crazy. This blog is nothing more than a place for me to vent, dream, create, express, and speak my mind without having to worry about being judged. No real names will be used in my blog nor will town or city names etc. I know people creep on the Internet-case in point. So......
My name as I said before is Lia. I am 17, and am hoping that people find my blog interesting, funny, truthful, inspiring, and hopeful. If at anytime you have a question please feel free to ask. Im open to any questions.
I am also hoping this blog will make me a little less crazy, make my head a little less full, make my thoughts a little less dark, and my life a little less pointless.
Until next time-LIA
My name as I said before is Lia. I am 17, and am hoping that people find my blog interesting, funny, truthful, inspiring, and hopeful. If at anytime you have a question please feel free to ask. Im open to any questions.
I am also hoping this blog will make me a little less crazy, make my head a little less full, make my thoughts a little less dark, and my life a little less pointless.
Until next time-LIA
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