Dread...Among other things...

Its about 2:55 and I'm sitting here in Spanish....I just took the hardest test in my whole life. It was on irregular perfect pretenses. It was HORRIBLE..I had NO idea what I was doing....so I TOTALLY failed....because I suck at life and didnt study.....

If you knew me and got to see me everyday you would never guess that I have been SO depressed lately.....you would never guess it though....because I've been smiling everyday....and going out almost every night....I've been to two parties in the past week...I've been surrounded by people these past two weeks......

But nothing I do seems to stop that burning feeling of loneliness...the one in my stomach....the one that always reminds me of its presents.....yeah that one.......and I realize that I've been smiling everyday so that no one will no I'm falling apart....so that no one knows I havent been eating or sleeping...I've been going out almost everynight because I cant stand being home....it makes me insane....I've been to two parties this past week and got SMASHED at both...I'm not proud of it...I did it simply to forget about everything in my life....it didnt help...AT ALL...but I'm going to do the same thing tonight and saturday night...because like my mother always says..I NEVER learn....and I've been surrounded by people these last two weeks because I'm so afraid that if I dont latch onto everyone around me then they will all leave me.....I'm afraid of being alone and that makes me weak........I HATE being weak.....

sorry this post is short but the bell is gonna ring and I need a cigarette.....I PROMISE I'll blog a whole ton this weekend....

Take Care

Lia/Katie

(I'm not sure who I am anymore)

Every little thing is gonna be alright

There are some days when everything is okay. When I think I'm finally going to be alright. When I firmly believe that my wounds are closed for good. When I think that I've seen the end of band-aids and stitches. There are some days when I think the sun couldnt shine brighter. When I think that I've put up just enough of a wall that nothing will ever again hurt me.
Then there are days like today. When I can feel everything decaying within me. When I can feel my wounds being ripped open again. The stitches popping open and bacteria invading. Then there are days that the depression I feel hurts me so bad that I can hardly lift myself off my bed. When I feel the bad part of me taking over.
Everyday is a challenge. Everyday is forced. I force myself to get out of bed, to go to school. I force myself to smile, to laugh, to eat, to love, and to live. I force myself to believe that one day in a land far away. Every little thing is gonna be alright.

Burning

Sadly...oh so sadly Ive found a new way to self destruct. The other night I was making bacon and a little bit of grease shot up and burnt my arm. And....I couldnt deny even to myself how good that burn felt. Mezmerised I held my arm above the skillet and waited for another misfiring. But to my extreme disappointment no more grease shot up. So I did the next best thing, I found my lighter and I decided to burn my thigh.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
I KNOW!!!!!
So now along with cutting I now burn myself. And if you dont think that burning can be addicting...THINK AGAIN!!.....Now along with my hundreds of cuts I have eight medium sized burns.
I just cant explain how satisfyed I felt after doing it...sick right?....I was horribly, undeniably, and wonderfully satisfyed. God I'm sick.....When am I going to stop this shit?.....

Two People...and a razor

So the other night...I hungout with Paris, Sunny and Jenee....not a wise choice. I ended up feeling extremely depressed when I got home...so I went to cut...but something happened.....both Katie and Lia were there.....Usually when I cut....its only saddness and depression that let me do it.....Im powered by it.....the reasonable side of me vanishes...but this time it was there....and this was the stuggle that I felt inside myself as I cut into my flesh.
Lia looked at the razor with welcome smile
Katie was scared of its threats
To Lia the razor looked just the same
To Katie it looked indifferent
Lia was happy it was back
Katie wanted to turn and run from it
Lia needed to hold up
Katie had to breakdown
Lia had to remember
Katie wanted to forget
Lia had to remain
Katie needed to hide Lia

call me crazy...or anyother word you choose...but sometimes....I truly feel that there are two completely different people living inside of me

Katie or Lia

For those of you who dont know my real name is Katie. Lia is the person that I usually blog under. She is my other half...my dark half. Sort of like my evil twin....
Lia opens doors
Katie wouldnt dare knock on
Lia insists on having things her way
Katie could care less
Lia wants to tell everyone she doesnt need help. To go away and let her play.
Katie thinks she is still in charge.
But Lia is always watching

Let Us Pray

I like to help people but sometimes the only thing I can do is pray. I feel better after praying. Prayer is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel useful. So today I ask you to pray for these people
For Ty....
Ty is a fellow blogger. He blogs under "I'll do tricks for you". Ive been reading his blog for sometime now. If you read it you'll know that he rides motocross and sadly he had an accident that has left him in a coma. So today I ask that you pray for him. Pray for a healthy, speedy recovery. Pray his family holds tight during this hard time.
For Alley....
Alley blogs under " Insert-creative-blog-title-here". She is my closest friend. We attend school together and often hangout. She is my confidant and my go to girl when Im in need. She may live in a world full of meteors but she is most definately a star! So today I ask that you pray for her happiness. Pray that she gets through each hard time in her life. Pray that her relationship with her boyfriend remains strong and happy. Pray that she may know that there are others here for her when she is in need.
For Hope....
Hope blogs under "Hopeless Hope". Although she lives in a world without magic she is a goddess of light that brightens this world. So today I ask that you pray for her. Pray that she finds out how wonderful she really is. Pray that she shines through the times of darkness. Pray that she stary as wonderful as she is now. Pray that she keeps blogging so that the rest of us know there is still a spark of hope for us in this world.

Sorry

Sorry everyone...I've been super busy with yearbook and the paper...I'll try and write later..oh and everyone PLEASE....please pray for TY.....please....

Well....yeah

I know that if I dont post something positive Hope with mentally and metaphorically kick my ass :D...so here goes...these are the places I want to see before I die
Niagra Falls
Alaska
Montana
L.A
New York
Las Vegas
Graceland-Go Elvis!! :D
Florida
Arizona
Alabama
Missouri
China
Washington D.C
Greece
France
Ireland-I hope to live there someday
Germany
Brazil
Chile
Austria
Australia
Hawaii
Seattle
Spain
Italy
Egypt
Jerusalem
Peru
Romania
Transylvania
Hoh Forest, Washington
Frenchboro, Maine
and these are the things I want to do before I die
Graduate from high school
Go to college
Get a job I ENJOY!!
Get my own house
Get a tattoo
Kiss someone in the rain
Have a food fight
Go Skydiving
Go on a balloon ride(and not die)
Go white water rafting
Go ziplining
Go parasailing
Go paragliding
Fall in love
Adopt a kid
Meet someone famous
Publish a poem
Witness a miracle
See a shooting star
Own a gun
Learn another language
Sing in front of a crowd
Swim with a dolphin
Go to a WWE match
See the New York sky line
Go bunjee jumping
Learn sign language
Own a huskie
okay so theres my one happy post for the like 11 negative ones I just posted lol :D

My World

My world is falling apart. I have everything yet I have nothing. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Tuesday night I hung out with Alley for a little while and I felt good. We talked and laughed and all was fine. But then later that night I was just sitting at home and Jenee came and knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to drive around with her, Sunny and Jane. (Jenee is the "friend' from a post from way back) Like a complete moron I said yes. So I spent Tuesday night driving around with Sunny and Jenee. We jammed to music and smoked some cigarettes. What makes me so mad is that I totally set myself up. I KNOW they only asked me to hangout with them because they were bored. I KNOW they will be ignoring me in a week. But yet I do it everytime. Jenee has this way of making me do things that I dont want to. God Im weak......
Then on Thursday I decided to call Leigh because I hadnt seen her in almost a month. So even though it was -30 degrees and windy I walked my ass to her house so I could spend the night. I sort of regret it. Dont get me wrong we had fun. We hungout in her room watched T.V and smoked cigarettes. But as we talked I truly realized that were going seperate ways. She lives with her boyfriend and works as a waitress and Im finishing high school so I can go to college and I plan on moving to Ireland. I realized that for every one thing we have in common we have two things that are different about us. And all I can think about is how much Im going to miss her when I leave this town....How much Im going to miss everyone....I now realize JUST how alone I really am...So now theres no need for someone to tell me when my heart stops because it will be quiet enough for me to hear since no one will be around...

*Warning- this is depressing*..but then again which of my posts arent?

I feel like Im suffocating. There are times when my chest gets tight with regret and sadness. And yet- Im so numb and I beg to be able to feel.
Something
Anything
And yet
I feel so much that sometimes I think Im going to explode. I cant even bring myself to cry. I have no semi-positive way to let my feelings out. I only have horrible ways.
I fear
That one day I'll turn into stone. I'll forget how to let people in. I'll forget how to have friends. And I'll forget how to breathe and maybe even how to live.
This
Is messing with my faith. I want nothing more than to be happy with God. I love him and want him to be happy with me. I want to be the person he made me to be. But my anger and hate is preventing me from doing so.
I cant
Help it
Im just so angry all the time. Its like my new default setting.
And
I
Hate
That
I want to be happy. I want to laugh and smile like I mean it. I want to feel something other than hate and isolation. It feels like Im stuck in a rut
A
Deep
Muddy
Rut
I want out! I want to love my friends and family and myself. But my question still remains - what do I do?

Is It Silly?

Is it silly to have hope? Im beginning to think it is. Im losing hope for myself. Ive never been the nicest person in the world and Im starting to wonder if thats why Im suffocating in loneliness now. I cant be someone Im not but I guess that goes both ways doesnt it? I wish I was someone who didnt mind being alone all the time. I can handle solitude in small doses but I wouldnt complain if there was someone around that I could turn to. Or maybe Im just being a whiny bitch and I just need to suck it up. and except the fact that everyone has their own life and Im not in any of them. I just wish I could rip this sadness out of me and throw it away. I hate this - no one told me I would feel this way when I grew up. I want my fairy tale ending damn it!! Dont I deserve that much? Or am I just being a selfish bitch who needs to grow up? You tell me....

Random Thoughts

Its amazing how much a person can be hurting and how much other people could care less. I can feel myself going back to my old ways- becoming my old self. Lately its seems like I want nothing more than to destroy myself. To make myself nothing. And I find it funny that while Im drownding Im screaming for help and begging for isolation at the same time.
I want to destroy my own flesh. I want to make it how I see it-ugly. Line after line after line-it will be beautiful! Maybe one day it will end who knows?
I wonder if there is a person out there who truly cares for people. Will I ever find someone who TRULY cares for me? Maybe.....
I just cant help but wonder how everyone else does it. How everyone else stays happy? Are their smiles truly smiles or just a mask they wear to hide their pain? How do people get through each day? Is it as hard for them as it is me? Am I the only one who feels like this? Maybe I'll never know. I dont know when the last time was that someone truly cared for me. Maybe no one know Im hurting. Maybe I hide it too well. I dont want 24/7 attention that would be excessive. I just want someone who will listen when I wanna talk and someone to tell me it will be okay and to just hang on. Someone to help me be strong. I know if I slip back into my old self theres a good chance that I wont get back out. I dont want that. I beg for help. I dont want a repeat of last year. I dont want to slip again. I beg for happiness. I suck at being human. Im slipping and Im praying for a hand to grasp.

Two People.....One Body?

Sometimes its like Im two different people. One is happy, and funny. One is a good friend. One knows who they are. One is confident in herself. One can laugh and smile. One is the better of the two. Then theirs the other. The other is dark and serious. The other has no idea who she is. The other constantly feels alone. The other cant bring herself to smile. The other is coming undone. The others laugh sound empty and forced. The others eyes look dead.
Its confusing having these two people inside me. They struggle to be the dominant one to rule me to overcome me. Sometimes I cant even decide which one I want to be for the day. And when something big happens in my life its hard to know which one inside me will react. If its a good day I will react in a rational way if its a bad day my emotions will be all over the place. I keep waiting for one of them to win, to take over. Im waiting for them to decide which person I get to be. Im not sure that there is a way to balance the two people out. Theres also no happy medium. I am only one or the other. It scares me because I dont know what to do. I dont know what I will do if this continues. Im so afraid that I will be completely consumed by the dark side of me. All I want is for the two to balance out. I just want to be me. A sane semi-normal me.

Hate

I hate myself/ I hate the fact that I am never fully satisfied with anything/ I hate that I am never truly happy/I hate that I am no one/I hate that I dont matter/I hate that my laugh sounds so empty/I hate that my eyes look so dead/I hate that I hate myself/I hate that at times I feel so much that its overwhelming/I hate that I am sometimes numb/I hate that I can not cry/I hate that I find it hard to love/I hate that I am selfish/I hate that I am worthless/I hate that I can do nothing right/I hate that I have no motivation/I hate that I want nothing and everything at the same time/I hate that I want to be noticed/I hate that I want to be invisible/I hate that my father doesnt love me/I hate that I have doubts/I hate that I am not brave/I hate my outlook on life/I hate that I cant be the person that others want me to be/I hate that I am alone/I hate that people always hurt me and let me down/But mostly I hate that my hate list is so long

Bitter Sweet End

I lay shivering
Alone on the floor
Wondering why
Why am I so cold-hearted
Why do I hate myself so much
Why cant I accept anothers love
I put a handful of pills in my mouth
Waiting for the pain to fade away
But I continue to wonder why
Why does my father hate me
Why cant I be the daughter my mother wants
Why cant I be the sister my brothers need
Why cant I be the friend my friends deserve
I swallow 24 more pills part of my mind still wondering
Why am I here
Who is it that wants me around
Why does my heart beat
No one cares if it stops
I down the rest of the bottle before all my mind fades to black.
My fingers grow numb and my eyelids droop. I can hear my heart begin to slow but I cant help but wonder in my last few seconds of life
Will anyone wonder why?

"Mom"

Alone in the dark
Barely breathing.
Listening for signs of movement.
Trying not to make any noise.
Trying to be invisible.
Wanting to be elsewhere.
Wanting to be on my own.
So I wont have to live in fear.
Of saying saying or doing something wrong.
Of being a disappointment.
I silently pray for everything to be okay.
You take on look at me and start to yell.
You say things that break my heart.
That make my stomach churn
That make me want to die
Your anger cuts me up inside.
Making me less than whole.
When your done you storm away
Leaving me to think of what you've said.
I sit alone wanting to die
Wondering why Im even alive.
I have trained myself not to cry.
For that does no good.
So I simply sit and wonder why I can do nothing right.
I dream of the someone I want to be.
The someone you would approve of
The someone I yearn to be.
My heart turns to stone
I slowly forget how to feel.
My personal hell is all to real.
My body now feels as if its make of lead.
Your hateful words have left me dead.

Untitled...not really a poem..but I thought it was cool

Hiding within myself.
No one knowing who I am.
Trapped inside my own body.
Bound by chains of flesh.
I know not how to get out.
Suffocating from the pressure slowly building upon my chest.
Drowning from the excess bile filling up my lungs.
But I have not done this on my own.
Ive had some help with my imprisionment.
You cut me with your words.
You make my heart so heavy that I find it impossible not to sink.
You have become something I need to destroy.
Something that while alive makes it impossible for me to live.
Now the pressure is to much
The darkness to lonely.
No one is here to save me.
No one notices my pain.
No one realizes Im not okay.
That my happiness is all an act.
I want all this to end.
For an angel to appear.
But for now I'll continue to wade in the dark pool of sadness Ive been banished to.
Silently yelling for anyone who might be near.

"Father"

Stabbing
Ripping
Killing me with all your words of hate.
Tearing me down
Turning my heart black as you scream of all my mistakes.
I try to apologize but it wont be heard.
Trying to hold on to me
To capture my soul
I sit silently and let you take complete control.
You tell me that I dont care and that I dont try.
But right now Im trying not to cry.
I know life is hard
Ive lived my own story of pain
I know if you dont work hard
Then you'll have nothing to gain.
I try I care I do my best.
So please stop yelling
Please give it a rest
My heart is now broken
Its tattered and torn
You've now ripped me to shreds
Im no longer human
Im nothing
Im dead

Untitled

They laugh at me from above
Hiding in the trees
Death laughs in my face
its breath touching my cheeks
Suicide curls at my feet
waiting for me to notice its prescence
Self-hatred hugs me tight
Crushing my insides
Loneliness fills my lungs making it hard to breathe
I am but a girl lost in the world
Waiting for the light to appear

Lots

Okay so theres alot of stuff that Ive been meaning to put on here soooo...if it seems overwhelming its probably because it is...lots of poems and random things....try having all this shit in your head...EVERYDAY.....

Ride Home

So as you all know my father and I do NOT get along at all....well he will literally be here in about 24 minutes to pick me and my brothers up so we can go to my grams house...(my car wont go anywhere in this dumb snow so we have to be picked up)...Im really worried about this ride because me and my father can hardly share the same sidewalk none the less ride in the same car for an hour...Im hoping he doesnt say anything to piss me off....well I'll blog about it later

A Little Time

Im SOOOO very sorry for not posting as much as I used to....this god awful snow has been kicking my ass...I havent been able to leave my house much....so there for I am not able to blog...plus school started up again and...Ive been busy with family shit...but TONIGHT I will post a bunch of stuff...

Meh

Im WAY to depressed to write anything...soI'll blog tomorrow I promis...hang in there followers