Lyrics to a beautiful song I heard the other day

Oohh
Oohh
Standing there by the broken tree,
Her hands were all twisted, she was pointing at me.
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes.
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky.
She said 'Walk on over yeah to the bit of shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'
Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

I was out for a drink in a soho bar
The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar
She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost
She was the woman that I wanted the most
As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand
I said 'Lay me down easy let me understand'
Let me sign, let sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

As I walked through the door she was still in my head
As I entered the room she was laid there in bed
She reached out for me all twisted in black
I was on my way down, never coming back
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.
let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

Movies you should see if you havent yet...

1. Twilight/New Moon
Yes I know its a new fad but I read all the books which were amazing and I feel in love with the movies. Just give them a try- you might like them.
2. The Proposal
This movie is hilarious! Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are amazing. It's a love story but not a chick flick.
3. Max Payne
I'll admit that when I first started watching this movie I thought it was a little boring but by the end I couldnt get enough of it. Its dark and has a ton of action
4. The Orphan
The movie isnt scary but it sure is demented. The girl who plays Esther should win an award. This movie is funny and sports a suprise ending.
5. The Sound of Music
I'm a huge fan of musicals, and when I first saw this I knew it was special. The story line is a commone one but the songs will stay stuck in your head for days. Julie Andrews, and Christopher Plummer are magic.
6. Edward Scissorhands
I love love love Johnny Depp! While I'll admit this movie is an odd one you cant help but love it.
7. All the Star Wars movies
I'm a nerd at heart so I like Star Wars. The action, the comedy, the whole good vs evil deal. Plus Hayden Christenson isnt too bad either.
8. Moulin Rouge
I'm not to fond of Nicole Kidman but she can sing. Another musical but this one has magic. The ending makes me cry everytime but I cant deny that its awesome.
9. Son In Law
I wish I knew someone like Pauly Shore. This movie is filled with some crazy fashion, and absurd humor. Its a Thanksgiving must see.
10. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
David Spade trying to relive his childhood? What could be better than that? This movie will keep you laughing.
11. Van Helsing
Vampires AND Hugh Jackman? *sigh* Theres really no need to explain why you should see this one.
12. Facing the Giants
Im not a huge football movie lover but this movie is more than that. Its about faith, love, devotion, and the love of God.
13. Bedtime Stories
Adam Sandler, and Russel Brand are magic. In this movie where bedtime stories come true you'll find yourself wishing yours did too.
14. Harry Potter movies
If you havent seen these yet drive to the closest movie stare and get to it. These movies are addictive!
15. Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3
Johnny Depp is magic as Jack Sparrow! These movies give pirates a new definition.
16. Encino Man
Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Frasier! Two high school students discover a caveman in their backyard- enough said!
17. My Girl
A beautiful movie about growing up! Beware: The funeral scene will make you cry.
18. My sisters keeper
A story about family and the power of love. A must see tear jerker.
19. Lord of the Rings 1-3
Hobits, Elves, and Wizards! I love these movies. They'll make you wish you were part of that world.
20. The Emperors New Groove
A one of a kind kiddie movie. I know every line. Its filled with hyterical lines and out of this world situations.
21. The Princess Bride
Andre the Giants best work. Sword fights, pirates, and love what more do you need?
22. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Kathy Bates is magic. Its an oldie but a goodie.
23. West Side Story
Hot Puerto Ricans singing and dancing oh baby! A lengthy intro. but all in all its worth the watch.
24. Cars!
Owen Wilson, and Larry the Cableguy. A kiddie movie for everyone.
25. 10 Things I Hate About You
One of Heath Ledgers best! A movie about high school, love, and just being yourself. Even if you dont like it atleast you get to stare at Heath!
( okay I have about 40 or so more but I'm getting carpel tunnel so I'll finish this list later)

Happy Thanksgiving to all....

Well I hope that whoever reads this has a wonderful Thanksgiving....I will be spending mine with my mother, brothers and grandparents....I dont really enjoy eating the food as much as I do making it....and of course I love drinking all the yummy wine....
I dont really have any plans this weekend....I think I'll just stay home and read maybe hangout with Leigh if I get a chance.....I'm super excited for next week though....me and Alley are taking Paris to New Moon she hasnt seen it yet...what a shame right? So thats pretty much all I'm looking forward to right now....
Just wanted to say a quick thanks to all of you who follow my blog even though I know that sometimes my stuff can be a little hard to read...I know I get a little depressing at times but like I've said a million times its the only place I can say what I want and express how I feel....so thank you all again for sticking with through thick and thin...

New Poem # 2....the better one if you ask me

Alone
surrounded by those who dont care
who cant see the pain I hold onto everday
like a bag of rocks I can never set on the ground.
Trying to take shallow breaths so I wont pass out
my whole body filled with doubt.
Stomach churning
hands sweating
tears rolling down my cheeks
You all look but you cant see.
But just because you dont see something doesnt mean its not there
Dont you realize pain is something we all share?
Mind hazy
day crazy
yet no one stops to ask if I'm okay.
Cant you see theres something I'm itching to say?
Blood rushing
head spinning
I'm playing a game with death and its winning.
Daydreaming
inside's screaming
screaming to be put to rest
to stop this endless. pointless test.
Hands reaching
mouth twitching
minding looking for the right words to say.
Afraid that if I say them they'll lock me up and put me away.
Brain urging me on
mouth forming the words.
But couldnt you see?
The words I've been trying to say were simply
"Help Me!"

New Poem # 1

Cold, compassionless, and empty hearted
All names for who I am
Unfeeling, emotionless, and isolated
All names for who I am
I've heard them all before
Each are true in there own ways
I am cold so I wont have to feel
I am compassionless because others have been to me
I am empty hearted because I have no heart left
I am unfeeling because it is easier to survive that way
I am emotionless so that others wont see my pain
I am isolated because I have been cast out
Worthless, unneeded, and looked down on
All things that I am
Different, Dark, and Lost
All things that I am
I am worthless through others eyes
I am un-needed by all whom I know
I am looked down upon by those I dont know
I am different because I choose to be
I am dark because I find it hard to be bright
I am lost because there is no one out to find me

I dont even wanna......

Meh!.....I know I havent posted in a few days.....and theres a good reason behind that.....I've been sleeping....yep sleeping........I slept all weekend.....I slept through all my friends phone calls.....I slept through my family going to the movies....I slept through my classes today....I have no reason to be awake.....I have nothing and no one that needs my attention......I sick of living so sleep is my alternative.....
(by the way I have a few poems that I have written when I wasnt sleeping this weekend I'll post them tomorrow)

My Brain Hurts...

I didnt get to go out with Leigh last night but she did stop by my house so I cant be angry with her. It was her boyfriends fault though. Whatever. I'm trying to write this ten page essay for my AP English class and I'm having no luck with it what so ever. I wish I was done with school already.
My life is going good right now. Nothing seems to big that I cant handle it and I havent cut in three days. Thats good for me. I'm hoping I can just get through the week thats all I want. To make it through each day and not feel that endless pain deep within me. But alas everything is good for now and I am grateful for that.

Almost Like Time Travel....

Okay so I really think I'm going insane. I keep doing this thing where I'll be talking to someone and the next thing I know I'll be somewhere else doing something different. I have no recollection of how I got their or how long I have been there. I dont remember if I finished talking to the person I was talking to. And I cant remember anything that was said during the conversation. Its really scary.....and weird.
I'm going out tonight with Leigh. I havent seen her in a week. I have alot to share with her. Hoperfully she will be in a good mood because I'm sick of her boyfriend making her pissy all the time. She deserves better. Well wish me luck with the outing....I hope I dont do that spacing out thing...
Until Next Time
LIA

okay okay

Im going to dedicate a whole post to happiness and what makes me smile....yes I smile
Ten things that make me happy
1. Rainy days
2. blogging
3. writing
4. reading books
5. painting
6. driving my car
7. baking
8. music
9. my true friends
10. the people that comment on my blogs (Hope)
Nine things that I like to do
1. Read
2. take pictures
3. listen to music
4. go to the movies
5. make people laugh
6. write poems
7. sleep
8. sing
9. dance
Eight of my favorite things
1. Mac n Cheese
2. roller coasters
3. grass
4. rain
5. shoes
6. rings
7. books
8. a good song
Seven things I couldnt live without
1. books
2. music
3. rings
4. hats
5. cookies
6. God
7. my dog
Six of my favorite stores
1. Charlotte Russe
2. Hot Topic
3. Rue 21
4. Spencers
5. Vanity
6. Payless
Five things I have to do before I die
1. sing in front of a crowd
2. publish one of my poems
3. fall in love
4. sky dive
5. cure my addiction
Four weird things about myself
1. I like the smell of mud
2. i like hands...i can tell alot by a persons hands
3. If i could eat all the Mac n Cheese in the world i would
4. im really short
Three things that I like about myself
1. my smile
2. my ability to listen
3. my sense of humor
Two favorite places to eat
1. Panera Bread
2. China Star
One confession about myself
1. I trip alot...seriously I cant walk across a flat surface without finding something to trip on

Sucky Poem...meh

I cant get it out of my head
Im forbidden to remeber
but horrified to forget
How did all this start
How can all this be
Was this because of you or me
If it was you please take it away
My only wish is to be pain free for a day
If it was me
well then I understand
Ill just continue sinking into this quicksand
I hope to one day be free
because then I'll quickly grab my bags and flee
But for now I remain cursed
with this cross to bear

Somebody Help Me Please.....

Help
Me
Please
I
Cant
Stop
Im
Destroying
Myself
And
I
Dont
Want
To
Quite
Im
Perfectly
Content
With
Ripping
Myself
Apart
Until
There
Is
Nothing
Left
Of
Me
There
Has
To
Be
Something
Other
Than
This
I
Remember
It
I
Have
Memories
In
The
Back
Of
My
Head
Theres
More
Than
Just
Pain
In
This
World
What
Is
In
My
Mind
That
Is
Blocking
Happiness
Please
I
Beg
Of
You
Make
It
Stop!!!!!!

I never thought....

I never thought coming to my grandparents house would open up old wounds. Seeing my dad again....WOW!!!!! talk about a punch straight to the stomach good thing I got out of there as fast as possible. At this very moment I'm babysitting my three beautiful younger cousins. Regina, Scarlett, and Amen. I'm so glad that each of them are happy and doing well in school. My aunt Violet...well shes healthy and happy with her life but...things are just strange between us. I hate the fact that I live so far away from her. I remember how close we were when I was little. And to see that its not like it used to be and to know that it will never again be that way makes me terribly sad.
I also have to admit that being around my grandpa scares me shitless. He looks so sick and sad. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish he could do all the things he used to be able to. I wish he could move about with ease and I wish he had no aches or pain. But the way I figure it you have to be able to fix your own pain before you can fix someone elses right?
I'm listening to my cousins in the other room and their innocent laughter is making my heart ache. I remember when I use to laugh like that. I remember when my laugh was innocent and care free. Now my laughs and forced and usually fake. I'm now extremely happy that I decided to take my blade along with me this weekend. I guess I knew in the back of my head that I would need it. Why let family carve wounds into my me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I can only hope that the rest of my weekend goes better than it is right now. Thank God for my cousins and their laughter and jokes. For they keep me semi-sane.

55.....

55 cuts run up my side
55 secrets I have to hide
55 insecurities carved into my flesh
55 reasons my life is such a mess
55 battle wounds from the war waged upon myself
55 worries I cant store upon a shelf
55 feelings I can no longer keep inside
55 troubles I dont want to keep in my mind
55 scars I will bare in passing time
55 reminders of the pain that is all mine

Randomness...and Awesomeness...not really

The weather today matches my attitude perfectly. Its rainy and gray outside just like me. I'm down and out of it today. Have been all week really. Cant wait for this weekend. I finally get to get out of this town. I'm going to visit my grandparents whom I miss dearly.
Abby is driving me nuts. She only talks to me when she wants something. A shopping buddy or someone to vent to. Paris has been avoiding me lately. Aw well guess I'm not really surprised I suck at keeping friendships. Sunny hasnt spoken to me since that night we went out-figures-I knew in the back of my head that she would do that.
Theres also this guy that I like his name is Kenton. Things are not going well between us. You see Kenton is about four years older than me. I suppose I should just suck it up and accept the fact that he is never going to like me the way that I like him. Something you just dont get in this life right? Hopefully this weekend away will help me decide some stuff. There are so many thoughts and questions inside my head all the time.
Is Paris truly my friend? What is wrong with Abby-why does she only come around when its to her benefit? Why doesnt Kenton like me? Is it my looks or my age? Will I get into college? Does my mother hate me? Where is my father? Why cant I help Sunny? Why isnt anyone helping me? Who else suffers like me? Does anyone see through my mask? Will I hurt forever? Why am I like this?
It seems I shall have to pay a visit to my little sliver of happiness. Beg for forgivness for not giving in sooner. Promise not to wait so long next time. Take my blade dig it into my skin and tear my flesh apart. Watch as the bile leaves my body. Rejoice in the satisfaction it brings. Like I always say " Happiness is only a cut away!"

Fuck it Im gonna spill....My Secret

My secret
is I'm crazy
My secret
is I'm lost
My secret
is addicting
My secret
keeps me strong
My secret
is disturbing
My secret
you may find wrong...
My secret
is that I cut myself
My secret
is that I like it
My secret
is that I do it everyday
My secret
is that I will not stop no matter what you say
My secret
is a silver blade I use to keep me sane

Why?.....

I've slipped I've fallen. I'm right back where I always seem to be. I'm spinning in a black hole of misery. I'm alone and isolated. No one is here for me and I am there for no one. It seems that all I want to do is be numb and I will do anything to be that way. I would be happy to lay in my bed and sleep my life away. I feel as if I can do nothing right and I feel that I will never be anything. I think alot about what it would be like if I wasnt here anymore. Would the people I have let down and disappointed be happier? Would my friends be glad that I wasnt around? Would my family be happy that I was no longer taking up space? No one wants me around so I truly dont understand why I am around.
I am hated
I am selfish
I am mean
I am ugly
I am lazy
I am isolated
I am depressed
I am lost
I am good for nothing
I am a disappointment to my mother
I am a bad sister to my brothers
I am a failure to my friends
I am nothing
I am no one

The Survey.....which I got from my dearest Mango

1. Where is your cell phone? In my car

2. Your hair? messy from the crazy wind outside

3. Your mother? Amazing!...but oblivious

4. Your father? Dont have one

5. Favorite Food? is tea a food?

6. Your dream last night? I dont dream

7. Favorite drink? Tea or coffee

8. Your dream? Lots of those...

9. What room are you in? My Spanish class lol

10. Hobbies? Reading and photography

11. Your fear? Spiders and...well thats a whole different story

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Ireland..but I'd be happy to be anywhere but the nut hut which is where Im headed.

13. Where were you last night? On an outing with Sunny

14. Something that you arent? Worthy of everything I have

15. Muffins? no..

16. Wish list item? A camera

17. Last thing you did? Took a Spanish test

18. Last thing you said? "You gonna be okay over there?"

19. What are you wearing? Black hoodie, black jeans and black uggs

20. Your t.v? What about it?...

21. Your pets? My dog Jack..hes the cutest

22. Friends? Still working on that

23. Your life? Could use some improvements

24. Your mood? depressed and lonely

25. Missing someone? My grandpa whos in the hospital

26. Car? Sweet little Geo i got on Halloween

27. Something your not wearing? my hat

28. Favorite store? Rue 21

29. Favorite color? Black :D

30. When was the last time you laughed? Idk...yesterday

31. Last time you cried? I dont have tear ducts...its a sad story...its actually a blessing that way I cant ever cry..

32. Best-Friend? Dont have one..most likely never will

33. One place I go to over and over again? Graveyard and school

34. One person who talks to me regularly? Um....

35. Favorite place to eat? Panera

(thanx mango :D )

sounds corny but..TGIF!!!!

I'm sitting in Spanish class and I could not be happier that it is Friday. I get out of this jail cell in less than 40 minutes and I know I will have to restrain myself from running all the way to my car.

My outing with Sunny went rather well last night. We went to Wal-Mart lol. :D I got some new shoes and then we went to a movie. The whole night almost made me feel like a real girl. I'm just glad Sunny and I are on good terms now...

Alas the whole feeling like a real girl has not been brought over to today. I feel cold and numb once again and can not wait to go home curl up in my bed and slip slowly into madness. I will have all weekend to think about if I'm going to spill my secret on here or not. For now I will just have to be content in my own feelings of solitude and isolation. I will continue watching through my eyes as everyone lives a life that I will never have.

Until Next Time

LIA

An Outing oh joy!!!!.....

So I'm going out with a "friend" tonight I dont know what to call her yet. Sunny is such a complicated person. She's the only person I know who shares the same secret I do only she doesnt even know it :( I'm not sure how this outing will go since we havent been on good terms on quite some time. Well I have to go pick her up wish me luck...
Until Next Time
LIA

Tuesdays.....and True Friends...

I've learned over the past three months that I do not like Tuesdays. There probably the worst day of the week for me. It's the day I get the most homework, and it's the day where everything seems to go wrong. It's also the day where I get to find out how the rest of my week goes. So far this week does not look promising.
I wanted to blog about friends and true friends. Being that this is my last year of high school I guess you could say that I'm finally getting to see who my true friends are. You know those real friends who will stand by you no matter what. Those few friends who no matter what you do will never think less of you. And sadly I'm finding that I only have two so far. Sad...
Alley and Paris are the only two true friends I seem to have as of now. Alley is the funniest girl I have ever known. She's the only person I know that loves movies as much as I do. We seem to be on the same brain wave most of the time and thats cool. Paris is such a sweetheart. She wouldnt hurt a fly. She has a life like mine although she deserves much better. She understands my morals and values and can see life like I see it for the most part.
I'm still trying to figure out Abby. We can be silly together and she can make me laugh even when I dont want to. But a part of her has a bad temper and she can be rude and extremely selfish. I dont think I could ever talk to her about my problems.
Leigh is another one of my friends that I am still trying to figure out. We've been friends since the 6th grade but she keeps changing. She lives with her boyfriend and works all the time. I only get to see her once a week. I just dont think were the same people we were in the 6th grade. I hope we dont grow apart but it seems that that is what we are doing.
I just wish I had someone I could tell. My secret is starting to control me and thats not what I intended. I'm the one who is supposed to be in control. My secret makes me in control...right? I feel as if I have to tell someone but I'm not sure if I ever will. I just wish I had a friend that could tell something was wrong. A friend that would ask me if I was okay. Thats all I want is for someone to care. But...yet I remain alone. Desperately and entirely alone....