Hope

I lie on my roof
and look upon the sky
I dont think
or ask myself why
I feel fine
I feel alright
My hands dont sweat
My insides arent tight
I feel at peace
I am okay
But I do wonder
If this feeling will stay
I think it will
I think it may
I think everything
will be okay
Whatever comes along
I know I'll cope
Its fine now
because I have hope.

(dedicated to Hope) :p

The First Time

Okay so we all know that I cut. Its a sick and disgusting addiction that I would never wish upon anyone. But I feel the need to tel you all about how my addiction came to be.
I was thirteen years old. It was the summer before 8th grade. I was at home just hanging out in my room when I got a phone call. It was my friend from next door. We talked for awhile mostly about nothing when she said those four little words that I should've taken as a sign.
"We need to talk."
My friend told me that she had been thinking about our friendship alot lately. She told me that she thought it would be best if we were no longer friends. She told me I was mean and embarrassed her when we were around her other friends. I was in such a state of shock that all I could do was tell her that I understood and I hung up the phone.
I spent the rest of July watching her and her new friends hangout in her front yard. I watched them walk past my house on their way to the pool. They always ignored me and acted as if I wasnt even there. I spent my days at home watching T.V or reading and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was let it out. I just didnt know how.I wasnt much of a screamer and I was too chicken to tell my ex-friend how much she had hurt me so I did the next best thing.
I dont remember where I had gotten the idea or where I had even heard about cutting but I knew that it would help. I remember I was wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I remember my mind going numb as I walked to the kitchen. I remember rummaging through the drawers until I found the perfect knife. It was a pearing knife one I often used for peeling apples. I remember the way it glistened in the sun that was shining through my kitchen windows. I remember the way it felt in my hand. Its cool grey handle fit perfectly in my palm. After grabbing the knife I walked to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and rolled my shorts up one..two...three times until a nice amount of upper thigh was showing. I remember digging that tiny pearing knife into my thigh and slowly dragging it across my skin in four perfect little rows.
I remember watching that beautiful crimson blood drop onto my hard wood floor with a faint plopping sound. I remember all my anger and pain going directly to that cut and seeping out with the rest of my blood. I remember how good I felt- how powerful. I remember feeling in control. But mostly I remember thinking that I never wanted to stop. And I havent been able to since.
I've been cutting almost everyday for four years now. My right thigh is barely recognizeable. The good and powerful feeling comes back everytime I cut. Something about watching my blood seep out of me makes me feel alive. I dont always feel better after cutting but its nice to know that when I cut the only person that is hurting me -is me. I know I'm sick and that I have an addiction- I know! But you have to understand that after four years- cutting isnt just a thing that makes me feel better for five minutes. It something that I'm emotionally and mentally addicted to. I plan on getting help- someday. But right now I still have things that burden me and it seems that the only way to quite the voices that tell me to just give up is by cutting. I would love to not feel the need or the desire to cut but for now its there weighing on me. Dragging behind me like a lowly servant.

Yesterday

I was having a fairly decent day yesterday. I got plenty of sleep. I had gone out the night before and had myself a good time. I got my errands and chores done. I cleaned my house and got more music downloaded to my Ipod. Paris came over she was having parent problems and needed someones advice so I felt honored that she picked me. I was expecting a phone call from my new friend Hope who I was excited to talk to. But then my father called. He always call my cell when he wants to speak with my brothers. I listened to them talk about Christmas and how school was going. I listened to them talk about football and when they were going to spend time with eachother again. Thats all it took for me to fold within myself and become bitter and angry.
I will NEVER understand what I did to him. Why is it that he doesnt love me? How can he look right through me like I am no one? How can you not love all of your children? I will forever wonder if I am good enough for him. Maybe I just wasnt a good enough daughter. Shit- maybe Im just not a good enought person.

I Will Never

I will never be confident
I will never be brave
I will never know a fathers love
I will never be saved
I will never have alot of friends
I will never be enough
I will never be beautiful
I will never be tough
I will never be the person everyone wants me to be
And until I accept that
I will never be free

Things I've Been Meaning To Say....

I never seem to get to say all the things I want to the people in my life...so here goes. These are in no particular order.
1. Alley!! You are the greatest friend that I have ever had. You have this way of making me laugh when I dont want to. I can be a complete dork around you and Idont have to worry about what you think. Your the only person I know that loves movies as much as me. We can talk about anything and I know you have my back. I know that you will make something of yourself after high schoool. Stay beautiful Alley. Thank you for making my senior year AMAZING!! Oh and I had better be invited to you and Rich's wedding lol!! :D
2. HOPE!! I found you in this huge world of blogging and Im so grateful for it. You read everything I have to say and you always leave heartfelt comments that keep me remembering that someone cares. Were still getting to know eachother but from what I know your a star in a world of meteor's! I love reading your blog. You see thing so differently and thats SO cool. I hope we continue getting to know eachother.
3. Paris! I love hanging out with you. Your wild and loud and SO confident. I know things are going to change when I graduate but I promise to stay in touch. I know you'll reach all your dreams! Oh and I love your new haircut :D
4. Leigh!! Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for always sticking up for me. Your the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard that I vomit. I hope we stay friends until we die. I mean I need someone to room with in the nursing home. Not to mention someone to help me make spaghetti at 3:00am and fall asleep before we get to eat it :D

Thank you to all the people who make my life worth living. I wouldnt be here without you!

Small town....small minds?

Its occured to me that....no matter where I go....may it be big cities....or small towns...I will always meet people with small minds....people that think money and looks are the only way to make it in this world.....people that have no respect for hard working people....or honest people with a good sense of self-respect....
I will never be the person that other people want me to be...some days I'm okay with that....and others I have to remind myself that its okay......I dont want to spend my life living up to other people's standards of who I should be....I just want to be me...even though I have NO idea who that is.......
I may be lost....I may have depression.....I may tell anyone the truth even if its hurtful sometimes....I may be sarcastic.....I may not always let people in...but when and if I do you had better NOT abuse that....because I can also be one of the most loving people you will ever meet...I would die for any of my friends and I would take a bullet for anyone in my family....people in this town dont get to see me as I truly am....they see with blinders on....they see me as they want to see me......
And I'm making no sense right now so....I'm just going to stop babbling

Why Bother

I dont think I'll be blogging much longer....It doesnt seem to help anymore....No one reads these posts....No one gives a shit what I go through...what I have to say...what my opinions are....so I think I'll be done soon....maybe...I dont know.....geh!!

Cool quote I found...fits me perfectly

I'm a suicidal personality who seizes the day by letting go of any expectations for a tomorrow.

Untitled

You come to me in the dark of the night
You curl at my neck and whisper sweet nothing in my ear
You caress my cheek and fill my head with twisted beliefs
You tap my chest keeping time with the beat of my heart
You tell me my world is falling apart
You pull the covers to my chin and remind me of my every sin
You make me dream of isolation and despair
You make me believe that your the only one there
You are loneliness at its best
I know now your the only thing I have left
You make crazy I can tell
I think I'm better off in hell

Going a little crazy....er?

Well I can tell you that NOTHING interesting has been going on for the past five days or so. We got hit with a mild snow storm and everyone got trapped in their houses for a few days. I for one was not happy about this storm because I got stuck in my house. I didnt even get to leave for Christmas. I guess its not all that bad thoough. I got to miss out on the drama that I know there would have been. My mom and cousin would have drank. My mom and grandmother would have fought. We would have had to hear about my cousins divorce that will soon be taking place. Grrr when I think about the fact that their getting a divorce I just want to punch them I dont think they realize that its not just them who will be separating. Their daughter will forever be pulled in two directions. She will have to split time between both parents and she will have to make two trips for Christmas and birthdays. I would know I did it myself for five years. Some people just dont get it.
On the plus side I've only made twelve new cuts to my collection. It may not seem like such a big step to you but it is to me. The holidays are hard on me and so is being trapped in my house. I havent seen Alley or Paris in what feels like forever. I feel alone and I would love for someone to talk to. Everyone is busy with things or on vacation somewhere. I've been keeping busy with reading and writing poems some of which I will post sometime here soon.
Gah! There are so many things I have to do yet. Order my cap and gown for graduation, fill out scholarships, stay sane. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing to flip out on someone. Maybe that will help?....I hope that in ten years (if I'm still alive)...that I can look back on this point in my life and laugh....no...no....probably not....
Until Next Time
LIA

Save Me From the Nothing I've Become

Last Thursday I had a total breakdown. Everything that had been piling up the last 7 years finally broke me. I CRIED!!!!! I NEVER cry. I had not cried since I was 10 yrs old. I cried for 45 minutes straight. SO not like me. I was brought up to believe that crying is a weakness. I like to be in control and when I cry I dont feel in control.

My grandpa has cancer again. Its operable but he doesnt want them to operate. Without an operation theres only a 30% chance for his survival. So baiscally he's going to die. It saddens my heart just thinking about it. I cant just stand by as the only father figure I have ever had slowly dies in front of me. The worst part though is the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I cant be with him everyday like I want to be, because I'm too busy with school or faking smiles with my friends or working or sleeping. I dont want his last days to be filled with silence as I know they will be because I'm failing as a granddaughter by not being there for him.

My fathers abandonment is like a wound that will never close. Its always open and bleeding. And sometimes someone will come along and pour salt into it just to remind me that its there. Like I dont already know. The sting of it is a continuous reminder of that fact that I am good enough for no one.

When I was crying I called a few of my friends because I was so fucking sick of being alone that I just wanted to be around someone. Alley was busy which is cool because I later learned that she has just as shitty a night as I did. Leigh was at work but I got to see her later so that was okay too. I finally got ahold of Paris so I picked her up and we drove around in my car. She watched me smoke cigarette after cigarette and she listened to me cry and bitch. I told her about my grandpa and about how I wanted to kill myself. She made me feel better about my grandfathers situation but Im not sure she fully understood the fact that I want to kill myself. Its like no one understands. They just tell me not to do it because they would miss me to much and that I wont always feel like this.

I just dont even know who I am anymore. I mean if you know me at all and you just read this you will know something is wrong. I NEVER swear like this. Maybe its the stress of my grandfathers illness or the fact that finals are here. Maybe its the holiday stress. I should be alittle merrier right? I hate to admit this but maybe I just need a fucking hug from someone who actually cares.....first I have to find that someone.

Until Next Time

LIA

The Animal I Have Become

I cant imagine going on like this anymore. Feeling so hopeless and empty. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont recognize the person who is looking back. I've always been a little bit of a loner and Im really akward with people a lot of the time. But I find myself shutting people out. I dont even talk to Sunny anymore. I just pushed her away. Stopped answering her phone calls. Im doing the same thing to Paris. It scares me. I dont want to do that to Alley. She's basically the only friend I have left. I hate that! I hate that I cant be alone. I dont like the fact that I have to have friends. I know that as humans we instinctively need people in our lives. To comfort support love and talk to us. But that just seems like weakness to me. I dont want to be the kind of person who NEEDS someone. But when I think about being alone I cut myself. My whole fucking life has been about leaving me. My father, my friends, I dont think I could handle any more. I know its possible for me to wake up one day and have no one left. Because I pushed them away. Because I was to afraid of letting people get close to me so I just pushed them away. It a crazy and horrible cycle. Dont let anyone close to you but then have no one because your to afraid to let people in. It drives me crazy and I'm doing it to myself!!!
My emotions are everywhere lately. I dont know how Alley stands being around me. If she were wise she'd ignore me. Everyone else has and look at how much better they are without me. Without out my poisionious attitude and vile words. I'm not someone to look forward to seeing. I'm someone who should be avoided. I ruin all that I touch. I can feel myself drowning in the black bile that I have created for myself. I'm....seriously thinking of....ending my life. I've thought it through....I know how I'd do it...what I'd write in my note.....which of my possessions I would leave to Alley and my family.
I wish that I had someone here to talk to. Damn.....I'm sick of holding shit inside. No one would want to listen to me complain anyway......
Until Next Time
LIA

Graduation...Jobs....Life

Everything is becoming overwhelmingly stressful. Graduation is 5 months away! I havent ordered my cap and gown, or my tassel. Although my grandmother gave me the money for it I havent filled out the order form yet because everytime I look at it the thing gets more complicated. Plus I have no stamps to send it anyway.
Everytime I think about graduation I think about college and getting a job. I want to go to tech school in the city. Im halfway accepted all I have to do is take a drug test. But I cant because I dont have an I.D. because I lost it!!!! DAMN MYSELF!!!!! I want to go to tech school for phlabotomy which is blood taking and lab work. After graduation Im moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to my school. So I'll have to get a job which scares me shitless. Im not a huge people person and Ive only ever had one job which sucked ass by the way. But I do need the money for school. Once I get my liscense for phlabotomy I'll get a job at one of the hospitals and go back to school for Crime Scene and Trauma Cleanup. Yes! I plan on cleaning up murder and suicide scences blood and guts etc. You may think thats weird but Im good at cleaning...they make big bucks...and none of that stuff creeps me out.
See I've got all these plans and goals Im just not sure if I can do it. The only thing thats holding me back is myself. I want to make money and move to Ireland. I just dont know if Im smart enough to do all the things I want. I dont believe that Im good enough. GRRRRRR!!!!!
I dont want to grow up. I didnt sign on for this. I had no say in being born!!!!!! BLEH!!!!!

Sitting here alone...

I always seem to be alone dont I? Its crazy even when I'm in a room full of people I feel entirely alone. No matter what I'm alone. Alone with my fears and doubts. Alone with my worries and thoughts. Thoughts that haunt me in the day as much as they do in the night. Come to think of it day is night for me anymore. It seems music and the voice in the back of my head are the only things that keep me company. When Im alone I do stupid things like cut and drown in the black bile I create for myself. When I'm alone everything floods my mind at once causing me to shudder and gasp at my own darkness.
I matter to no one...correct?....Without me the world has it all....Alone is what I shall be until the day comes when I can move on...to a place of peace and hopefulness.


wow...sorry I get rather depressed when I'm by myself (which seems to be more and more these days)

Oh Star by Paramore

Oh star fall down on me
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.

And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
That I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade away.
I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.

And I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away from me,
You will never fade...

Oh star fall down on me.

If you could

1. If you could have stopped aging at any point in life till now, how old would you want to be forever? 10...i was happy at 10

2. If you could possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would it be?
singing or playing piano

3. If you could be fluent in another language you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
german or celtic(what they speak in Ireland)

4. If you could be forever recognized for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
making people laugh

5. If you could break one athletic record, which record would it be?
i cant even walk without tripping what makes you think i could be athletic? :)

6. If you could only save one thing from your place in event of a disaster, what would it be?
my book with all my poems in it

7. If you could “uninvent” one thing from the world so it no longer existed, what would it be?
dvd players in cars...you dont need a tv in a car

8. If you could have one personality trait from someone, what from whom would you choose?
Alley's ability to make people laugh

9. If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?
rob a bank

10. If you could ensure your children had one experience you had, what would that be?
sitting with my grandpa on our porch swing

11. If you could start a new charity, who or what would it help?
research for spina bifida...my brother has it

12. If you could have lived the life of a fictional character, who would it be?
Bella!!! from Twilight...who doesnt want Edward lol

13. If you could resolve any dispute in the world right now, which one would you resolve?
obviously the war

14. If you could give out an annual award, what would it be for and who would win it first?
everyone who graduates high school...more people drop out now more than ever

15. If you could get rid of one fear you have, which fear would it be?
my fear that no one will ever like me

One of those things you fill out...Im bored

would you rather...
shave your head OR not taste food for a whole year?
I would rather not taste food...that way I could lose weight lol

walk barefoot across hot coals OR sleep in a bed of ice cubes
bed of ice cubes

never meet your true love OR never see your parents again
wow....thats hard but I'd have to choose never meeting my true love

not shower for a month OR break your right hand
break my hand

get a relaxing massage OR eat a hot fudge sundae
relaxing massage

make out with your celebrity crush OR win a $10,000 shopping spree
make out with my celebrity crush who needs money?

drop your ipod in the toilet OR drop your cell phone off a cliff
iPod my phone is my life

go skydiving OR scuba diving
skydiving...?

get trapped in an elevator with your enemy OR get locked in a porta potty
porta potty...

have perfect, clear skin OR have beautiful, silky hair
skin...theres always wigs lol

food OR sleep
SLEEP!!!!

find a cure for cancer OR a cure for AIDS
it sucks that i should have to choose...i say both

have a baby with someone you just met OR have a baby with your current ex
AH! definitely with someone i just met...sad but true

do you write poetry?
yes, all the time

is there a blanket in the room you're in right now?
not sure?

cheez-its or cheese nips?
cheez-its all the way!!

do you have your ears pierced?
yup...

do you wear makeup regularly?
yup yup...every single day...unless i'm having a lazy day at home

did you have cereal for breakfast today?
no i like toast

are you wearing green today?
ew i hate green

have you worn headphones at any point today?
nope

where is your hairbrush?
one in my bathroom...one in my bag

last time you tripped over something?
today in history class i tripped over a chair...then Alley did it not two seconds later

do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
yes...i cant have my food touch...and the clothes in my closet are organized by color

last thing you laughed at
ten minutes ago....my aunts dog sneezed on her

have you eaten something made from cheese today?
no

what was the last cuss word you said out loud
damn...or maybe douche bag if that counts

last person you yelled at
myself

why did you yell at them?
because im me

favorite type of apple
any

last big realization you had
that im almost an adult

time you woke up yesterday
2:00am

do you call it soda, pop, coke or something else?
pop....but i dont drink it...pop is gross

what sounds do you hear right now?
bad romance by lady gaga and the heater

what color were the last socks you wore?
white with different colored stars lol

last time you roda a bike
forever ago

think of the person you love that lives farthest away. who is it?
my aunt...lives in alaska

where do they live?
alaska..didnt i already clarify that

last time you went to visit them
never

closest plaid object too you
none...oh thats sad

last time you had blood drawn
about three years ago...

do you make fun of ugly people?
i try not to but i am human.

last thing you purchased
hair dye...and hair spray...and conditioner

do you own a stand-up mirror?
yes

are there some things that can't be joked about with you?
yes like my ability to trip over a completely flat surface

do you like screamo music?
ABSOLUTELY :)

do you listen to music while you clean?
yes

who is your favorite rapper?
tech n9ne

do you think it's annoying when little kids wear too much makeup?
most definitely...where are their parents?

do you know a REAL prince or princess?
no...:(

do you make wishes on things?
yes...shooting stars, repeating numbers on a digital clock, the last upturned cigarette in the pack,

favorite michael jackson song
thriller

do you recycle?
not really

have you ever beat up a vending machine for any reason?
yes damn thing ate my cheetos and my dollar

last time you went to an outlet mall
idk

last thing you regretted
oh boy...where to start

what happens to you when you feel nervous?
i sweat ew

do you have any spare batteries laying around?
most likely somewhere

last time you had a doctor's appointment
idk

do you like gatorade?
purple only

do you ever have doubts about anything?
who doesn't?

have you ever gone inside an attic?
i live in my attic

do you have anything hidden under your bed?
there's crap under there but not on purpose

did you make your bed this morning?
i dont make my bed...its for sleeping in not making

what does the last locked message in your inbox say and who is it from?
i dont have texting....im a loser lol

I Remember

I was talking to my grandmother on the phone last night. We were talking about my graduation party. I mentioned to her that my father wasnt invited. She asked me "Why isnt he invited, do you even remember what it is about him that you hate so much?" and I simply replied "I remember."
I remember I was thirteen years old.
I remember I was washing dishes.
I remember my father fighting with his wife in the bathroom.
I remember it suddenly going quiet.
I remeber hearing the dish rag scrubbing against the plate I was washing.
I remember my father saying my name.
I remember turning around and facing him.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath.
I remember his voice scaring me so bad that I dropped the plate.
I remember him yelling at me for dropping the plate.
I remember him grabbing my arm and dragging me to him.
I remember the glaze over his eyes.
I remember him taking hold of a clump of my hair and wretching me backwards.
I remember my head hitting the fridge.
I remember my teeth clenching together.
I remember biting my tounge.
I remember the look of total satisfaction in my fathers eyes.
I remember the words he said to me " Completely useless is what you are!"
I remember him walking away without a backward glance.
Thats....what I remember......

To All Of You

To all of you
that are hurting
To all of you
who are sad
To all of you
who remain crying
To all of you
who are mad
To all of you
who self-harm
To all of you
who've lost hope
To all of you
alone out there
To all of you
I'm here

Death Is Not Beautiful When Its Not Your Own

I've seen dead people before. In science labs for school. I seen my grandpa in his casket when I was ten. But I've never seen a dying person before. My grandpa on my dad's side has had cancer since before I can remember. Only 3% of his body is infected with it now, and that is something that I am continously thankful for. But...lately he's been getting worse. He resently had a three week stay in the hospital where he lost 30 pounds. He sleeps more and more and I can see him slowly decaying right before my eyes.
My grandmother called me Tuesday night and told me that he had a CAT scan and the doctors found a mass of fatty tissue growing on his spine. At this point this news doesnt surprise me but it does sadden me. I'm well aware of everything that has ever gone on with my grandpa and I probably know more medical terms than the average 17 year old. The only thing I wish is that I knew enough to save him. I dont want to watch him decay before me. I love him with all my heart. He's the only father figure I have ever had. He thought me how to fish, and he helped me learn to ride my bike without training wheels. He thought me how to make scrambled eggs and he's always believed in me. He may be the most stubborn person in the whole entire world but at least he's stubborn about all the right things.
Sometimes....I dream about him in a casket and I wake up with my heart beating rapidly and my hands sweating. I'm not afraid of death I'm well aware of where it is I'm going after my time here is done. I'm not afraid that I will never see him again because I know that I will. I'm only afraid of not having him around when I need him the most. I'm afraid of not getting to make any more memories with him. I'm afraid of not having any more Christmas's with him. I'm afraid he wont get to see me graduate from High School. I'm afraid of losing him. One thing does calm me though and thats the fact that when he IS gone HE will be my gaurdian angel.

Observation Day....

Today is what I like to call an observation day. Sometimes I like to sit back and just observe people, and thats what I did today. Today was different though because I realized I can learn things about people by watching them and I can also learn things about myself by watching other people. Wanna know what I learned today? Oh, of course you do.
I'm alone. It's as simple as that. No matter what in the end I'm always alone. Alley is my dearest friend but she has Rich. No matter what she can talk to Rich and he will be there for her and she has other friend who will listen to her problems. Paris is always doing eight million things in one day and talks to twelve billion people. There is always someone there to hear Paris out. Leigh has her boyfriend and her mom. Now dont get me wrong this isnt a bad thing. I'm not angry at anyone for having people in their lives. I'm not jealous-no thats not the right word- its more that I feel excluded. All my life I've always been the one to say "I'm here if you need me even if you just want me to listen". I guess thats what has gotten me into this mess. I listen to people stories, problems, and jokes everyday. And yes I get my share of talking in too but I feel that when I'm at my lowest no one is willing to hear me out. Everyone says that they'll listen to me but everytime I try the conversation always ends up back to whats wrong in their lives. I wish so desperately that I had someone. Someone I could call and talk to and not have to worry about what they thought of me. I wish I could talk to someone and not have them give me solutions but simply listen and say "I understand". I wish I had someone to take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I wasnt so damn mopey all the time. I wish I didnt sound like a giant baby right now. I wish that I hadnt completely distroyed my thigh last night. I wish that my blade wasnt the only thing I can turn to. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I'm so fed up with myself. All I do is whine. Now I'm whining about whining. Maybe I should just press my razor a little deeper into my wrists next time. I hate feeling so alone, and crazy. I hate feeling my head spinning. I hate arguing with myself about whether I should cut or not. I hate that I'm the one who's inflicting the pain upon myself. Why should it take scars upon my tighs and side to satisfy me? Why cant I just be a happy girl? Shit the more I type the angrier I'm getting. Fuck this, Fuck me, Fuck everything!!!

Thump...Thump..ThumpThumpThumpthumpThump

Thats what my heart was doing the other night and I'll tell you why. Wednesday night I went to a play a few towns over with my bestie Alley. We had a good time on the way there we were talking about her boyfriend Rich and we were rocking out to some Hailstrom. It was all good. Well Alley had mentioned that her friend Caleb was in the play but I didnt think of it until much later. The play was amazing it was a play about people putting on a play and they kept messing it up and such. I hadnt laughed that hard in a long time. Well afterwards we went to the lobby and got to talk to all the actors and I got to offically meet Caleb. I was kind of nervous because as I was watching the play I couldnt help but notice how incredibly cute Caleb was. So as we were walking up to him I was planning on what I was going to say to him and I had all these great lines. So we get up to him and Alley gives him a hug then she turns to me and says "Oh and this is my friend Lia"....and thats when my mind went completely blank. Because up close I got to see just how truly adorable he was. I couldnt think of anything to say but "Hi" I'm honestly surprised that I didnt start drooling. We and when I say we I mean Alley talked to Caleb for a little bit but then we had to get going home. When we got outside I turned to Alley and said " You didnt tell me how cute he was going to be". So we started talking about him and Alley wants to hook us up. I grateful for that but I have to accept that its never going to happen. Someone like Caleb would never go for someone like me. Its foolish and selfish to think he would ever like me. Plus I've only talked to him once, and all I said was a meak little "Hi". Bleh sometimes I hate myself why couldnt I have just walked up to him and said something cool....why do I have to mumble and be such a loser...GAH!! Other than that little mishap I had a wonderful time with Alley. And Thurdays night Alley, Paris, Jill, and I all went to New Moon together. I'm surprised we didnt get kicked out we were so loud. It was great. I wish I could go out more.
I know I keep going on about this but I cant stop replaying that scene in my head. I just cant believe I didnt say anything to him. I mean I know he doesnt know me and I'll never be more than a face in the crowd to him but I just wish I would have made myself seem a little less retarded.
Well my wrist is hurting from typing so fast so I''ll just have to finish my ranting another time...
Until Next Time
LIA