Randomness...and Awesomeness...not really

The weather today matches my attitude perfectly. Its rainy and gray outside just like me. I'm down and out of it today. Have been all week really. Cant wait for this weekend. I finally get to get out of this town. I'm going to visit my grandparents whom I miss dearly.
Abby is driving me nuts. She only talks to me when she wants something. A shopping buddy or someone to vent to. Paris has been avoiding me lately. Aw well guess I'm not really surprised I suck at keeping friendships. Sunny hasnt spoken to me since that night we went out-figures-I knew in the back of my head that she would do that.
Theres also this guy that I like his name is Kenton. Things are not going well between us. You see Kenton is about four years older than me. I suppose I should just suck it up and accept the fact that he is never going to like me the way that I like him. Something you just dont get in this life right? Hopefully this weekend away will help me decide some stuff. There are so many thoughts and questions inside my head all the time.
Is Paris truly my friend? What is wrong with Abby-why does she only come around when its to her benefit? Why doesnt Kenton like me? Is it my looks or my age? Will I get into college? Does my mother hate me? Where is my father? Why cant I help Sunny? Why isnt anyone helping me? Who else suffers like me? Does anyone see through my mask? Will I hurt forever? Why am I like this?
It seems I shall have to pay a visit to my little sliver of happiness. Beg for forgivness for not giving in sooner. Promise not to wait so long next time. Take my blade dig it into my skin and tear my flesh apart. Watch as the bile leaves my body. Rejoice in the satisfaction it brings. Like I always say " Happiness is only a cut away!"

Fuck it Im gonna spill....My Secret

My secret
is I'm crazy
My secret
is I'm lost
My secret
is addicting
My secret
keeps me strong
My secret
is disturbing
My secret
you may find wrong...
My secret
is that I cut myself
My secret
is that I like it
My secret
is that I do it everyday
My secret
is that I will not stop no matter what you say
My secret
is a silver blade I use to keep me sane

Why?.....

I've slipped I've fallen. I'm right back where I always seem to be. I'm spinning in a black hole of misery. I'm alone and isolated. No one is here for me and I am there for no one. It seems that all I want to do is be numb and I will do anything to be that way. I would be happy to lay in my bed and sleep my life away. I feel as if I can do nothing right and I feel that I will never be anything. I think alot about what it would be like if I wasnt here anymore. Would the people I have let down and disappointed be happier? Would my friends be glad that I wasnt around? Would my family be happy that I was no longer taking up space? No one wants me around so I truly dont understand why I am around.
I am hated
I am selfish
I am mean
I am ugly
I am lazy
I am isolated
I am depressed
I am lost
I am good for nothing
I am a disappointment to my mother
I am a bad sister to my brothers
I am a failure to my friends
I am nothing
I am no one

The Survey.....which I got from my dearest Mango

1. Where is your cell phone? In my car

2. Your hair? messy from the crazy wind outside

3. Your mother? Amazing!...but oblivious

4. Your father? Dont have one

5. Favorite Food? is tea a food?

6. Your dream last night? I dont dream

7. Favorite drink? Tea or coffee

8. Your dream? Lots of those...

9. What room are you in? My Spanish class lol

10. Hobbies? Reading and photography

11. Your fear? Spiders and...well thats a whole different story

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Ireland..but I'd be happy to be anywhere but the nut hut which is where Im headed.

13. Where were you last night? On an outing with Sunny

14. Something that you arent? Worthy of everything I have

15. Muffins? no..

16. Wish list item? A camera

17. Last thing you did? Took a Spanish test

18. Last thing you said? "You gonna be okay over there?"

19. What are you wearing? Black hoodie, black jeans and black uggs

20. Your t.v? What about it?...

21. Your pets? My dog Jack..hes the cutest

22. Friends? Still working on that

23. Your life? Could use some improvements

24. Your mood? depressed and lonely

25. Missing someone? My grandpa whos in the hospital

26. Car? Sweet little Geo i got on Halloween

27. Something your not wearing? my hat

28. Favorite store? Rue 21

29. Favorite color? Black :D

30. When was the last time you laughed? Idk...yesterday

31. Last time you cried? I dont have tear ducts...its a sad story...its actually a blessing that way I cant ever cry..

32. Best-Friend? Dont have one..most likely never will

33. One place I go to over and over again? Graveyard and school

34. One person who talks to me regularly? Um....

35. Favorite place to eat? Panera

(thanx mango :D )

sounds corny but..TGIF!!!!

I'm sitting in Spanish class and I could not be happier that it is Friday. I get out of this jail cell in less than 40 minutes and I know I will have to restrain myself from running all the way to my car.

My outing with Sunny went rather well last night. We went to Wal-Mart lol. :D I got some new shoes and then we went to a movie. The whole night almost made me feel like a real girl. I'm just glad Sunny and I are on good terms now...

Alas the whole feeling like a real girl has not been brought over to today. I feel cold and numb once again and can not wait to go home curl up in my bed and slip slowly into madness. I will have all weekend to think about if I'm going to spill my secret on here or not. For now I will just have to be content in my own feelings of solitude and isolation. I will continue watching through my eyes as everyone lives a life that I will never have.

Until Next Time

LIA

An Outing oh joy!!!!.....

So I'm going out with a "friend" tonight I dont know what to call her yet. Sunny is such a complicated person. She's the only person I know who shares the same secret I do only she doesnt even know it :( I'm not sure how this outing will go since we havent been on good terms on quite some time. Well I have to go pick her up wish me luck...
Until Next Time
LIA

Tuesdays.....and True Friends...

I've learned over the past three months that I do not like Tuesdays. There probably the worst day of the week for me. It's the day I get the most homework, and it's the day where everything seems to go wrong. It's also the day where I get to find out how the rest of my week goes. So far this week does not look promising.
I wanted to blog about friends and true friends. Being that this is my last year of high school I guess you could say that I'm finally getting to see who my true friends are. You know those real friends who will stand by you no matter what. Those few friends who no matter what you do will never think less of you. And sadly I'm finding that I only have two so far. Sad...
Alley and Paris are the only two true friends I seem to have as of now. Alley is the funniest girl I have ever known. She's the only person I know that loves movies as much as I do. We seem to be on the same brain wave most of the time and thats cool. Paris is such a sweetheart. She wouldnt hurt a fly. She has a life like mine although she deserves much better. She understands my morals and values and can see life like I see it for the most part.
I'm still trying to figure out Abby. We can be silly together and she can make me laugh even when I dont want to. But a part of her has a bad temper and she can be rude and extremely selfish. I dont think I could ever talk to her about my problems.
Leigh is another one of my friends that I am still trying to figure out. We've been friends since the 6th grade but she keeps changing. She lives with her boyfriend and works all the time. I only get to see her once a week. I just dont think were the same people we were in the 6th grade. I hope we dont grow apart but it seems that that is what we are doing.
I just wish I had someone I could tell. My secret is starting to control me and thats not what I intended. I'm the one who is supposed to be in control. My secret makes me in control...right? I feel as if I have to tell someone but I'm not sure if I ever will. I just wish I had a friend that could tell something was wrong. A friend that would ask me if I was okay. Thats all I want is for someone to care. But...yet I remain alone. Desperately and entirely alone....