I lie on my roof
and look upon the sky
I dont think
or ask myself why
I feel fine
I feel alright
My hands dont sweat
My insides arent tight
I feel at peace
I am okay
But I do wonder
If this feeling will stay
I think it will
I think it may
I think everything
will be okay
Whatever comes along
I know I'll cope
Its fine now
because I have hope.
(dedicated to Hope) :p
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The First Time
Okay so we all know that I cut. Its a sick and disgusting addiction that I would never wish upon anyone. But I feel the need to tel you all about how my addiction came to be.
I was thirteen years old. It was the summer before 8th grade. I was at home just hanging out in my room when I got a phone call. It was my friend from next door. We talked for awhile mostly about nothing when she said those four little words that I should've taken as a sign.
"We need to talk."
My friend told me that she had been thinking about our friendship alot lately. She told me that she thought it would be best if we were no longer friends. She told me I was mean and embarrassed her when we were around her other friends. I was in such a state of shock that all I could do was tell her that I understood and I hung up the phone.
I spent the rest of July watching her and her new friends hangout in her front yard. I watched them walk past my house on their way to the pool. They always ignored me and acted as if I wasnt even there. I spent my days at home watching T.V or reading and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was let it out. I just didnt know how.I wasnt much of a screamer and I was too chicken to tell my ex-friend how much she had hurt me so I did the next best thing.
I dont remember where I had gotten the idea or where I had even heard about cutting but I knew that it would help. I remember I was wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I remember my mind going numb as I walked to the kitchen. I remember rummaging through the drawers until I found the perfect knife. It was a pearing knife one I often used for peeling apples. I remember the way it glistened in the sun that was shining through my kitchen windows. I remember the way it felt in my hand. Its cool grey handle fit perfectly in my palm. After grabbing the knife I walked to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and rolled my shorts up one..two...three times until a nice amount of upper thigh was showing. I remember digging that tiny pearing knife into my thigh and slowly dragging it across my skin in four perfect little rows.
I remember watching that beautiful crimson blood drop onto my hard wood floor with a faint plopping sound. I remember all my anger and pain going directly to that cut and seeping out with the rest of my blood. I remember how good I felt- how powerful. I remember feeling in control. But mostly I remember thinking that I never wanted to stop. And I havent been able to since.
I've been cutting almost everyday for four years now. My right thigh is barely recognizeable. The good and powerful feeling comes back everytime I cut. Something about watching my blood seep out of me makes me feel alive. I dont always feel better after cutting but its nice to know that when I cut the only person that is hurting me -is me. I know I'm sick and that I have an addiction- I know! But you have to understand that after four years- cutting isnt just a thing that makes me feel better for five minutes. It something that I'm emotionally and mentally addicted to. I plan on getting help- someday. But right now I still have things that burden me and it seems that the only way to quite the voices that tell me to just give up is by cutting. I would love to not feel the need or the desire to cut but for now its there weighing on me. Dragging behind me like a lowly servant.
I was thirteen years old. It was the summer before 8th grade. I was at home just hanging out in my room when I got a phone call. It was my friend from next door. We talked for awhile mostly about nothing when she said those four little words that I should've taken as a sign.
"We need to talk."
My friend told me that she had been thinking about our friendship alot lately. She told me that she thought it would be best if we were no longer friends. She told me I was mean and embarrassed her when we were around her other friends. I was in such a state of shock that all I could do was tell her that I understood and I hung up the phone.
I spent the rest of July watching her and her new friends hangout in her front yard. I watched them walk past my house on their way to the pool. They always ignored me and acted as if I wasnt even there. I spent my days at home watching T.V or reading and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was let it out. I just didnt know how.I wasnt much of a screamer and I was too chicken to tell my ex-friend how much she had hurt me so I did the next best thing.
I dont remember where I had gotten the idea or where I had even heard about cutting but I knew that it would help. I remember I was wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I remember my mind going numb as I walked to the kitchen. I remember rummaging through the drawers until I found the perfect knife. It was a pearing knife one I often used for peeling apples. I remember the way it glistened in the sun that was shining through my kitchen windows. I remember the way it felt in my hand. Its cool grey handle fit perfectly in my palm. After grabbing the knife I walked to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed and rolled my shorts up one..two...three times until a nice amount of upper thigh was showing. I remember digging that tiny pearing knife into my thigh and slowly dragging it across my skin in four perfect little rows.
I remember watching that beautiful crimson blood drop onto my hard wood floor with a faint plopping sound. I remember all my anger and pain going directly to that cut and seeping out with the rest of my blood. I remember how good I felt- how powerful. I remember feeling in control. But mostly I remember thinking that I never wanted to stop. And I havent been able to since.
I've been cutting almost everyday for four years now. My right thigh is barely recognizeable. The good and powerful feeling comes back everytime I cut. Something about watching my blood seep out of me makes me feel alive. I dont always feel better after cutting but its nice to know that when I cut the only person that is hurting me -is me. I know I'm sick and that I have an addiction- I know! But you have to understand that after four years- cutting isnt just a thing that makes me feel better for five minutes. It something that I'm emotionally and mentally addicted to. I plan on getting help- someday. But right now I still have things that burden me and it seems that the only way to quite the voices that tell me to just give up is by cutting. I would love to not feel the need or the desire to cut but for now its there weighing on me. Dragging behind me like a lowly servant.
Yesterday
I was having a fairly decent day yesterday. I got plenty of sleep. I had gone out the night before and had myself a good time. I got my errands and chores done. I cleaned my house and got more music downloaded to my Ipod. Paris came over she was having parent problems and needed someones advice so I felt honored that she picked me. I was expecting a phone call from my new friend Hope who I was excited to talk to. But then my father called. He always call my cell when he wants to speak with my brothers. I listened to them talk about Christmas and how school was going. I listened to them talk about football and when they were going to spend time with eachother again. Thats all it took for me to fold within myself and become bitter and angry.
I will NEVER understand what I did to him. Why is it that he doesnt love me? How can he look right through me like I am no one? How can you not love all of your children? I will forever wonder if I am good enough for him. Maybe I just wasnt a good enough daughter. Shit- maybe Im just not a good enought person.
I will NEVER understand what I did to him. Why is it that he doesnt love me? How can he look right through me like I am no one? How can you not love all of your children? I will forever wonder if I am good enough for him. Maybe I just wasnt a good enough daughter. Shit- maybe Im just not a good enought person.
I Will Never
I will never be confident
I will never be brave
I will never know a fathers love
I will never be saved
I will never have alot of friends
I will never be enough
I will never be beautiful
I will never be tough
I will never be the person everyone wants me to be
And until I accept that
I will never be free
I will never be brave
I will never know a fathers love
I will never be saved
I will never have alot of friends
I will never be enough
I will never be beautiful
I will never be tough
I will never be the person everyone wants me to be
And until I accept that
I will never be free
Things I've Been Meaning To Say....
I never seem to get to say all the things I want to the people in my life...so here goes. These are in no particular order.
1. Alley!! You are the greatest friend that I have ever had. You have this way of making me laugh when I dont want to. I can be a complete dork around you and Idont have to worry about what you think. Your the only person I know that loves movies as much as me. We can talk about anything and I know you have my back. I know that you will make something of yourself after high schoool. Stay beautiful Alley. Thank you for making my senior year AMAZING!! Oh and I had better be invited to you and Rich's wedding lol!! :D
2. HOPE!! I found you in this huge world of blogging and Im so grateful for it. You read everything I have to say and you always leave heartfelt comments that keep me remembering that someone cares. Were still getting to know eachother but from what I know your a star in a world of meteor's! I love reading your blog. You see thing so differently and thats SO cool. I hope we continue getting to know eachother.
3. Paris! I love hanging out with you. Your wild and loud and SO confident. I know things are going to change when I graduate but I promise to stay in touch. I know you'll reach all your dreams! Oh and I love your new haircut :D
4. Leigh!! Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for always sticking up for me. Your the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard that I vomit. I hope we stay friends until we die. I mean I need someone to room with in the nursing home. Not to mention someone to help me make spaghetti at 3:00am and fall asleep before we get to eat it :D
Thank you to all the people who make my life worth living. I wouldnt be here without you!
1. Alley!! You are the greatest friend that I have ever had. You have this way of making me laugh when I dont want to. I can be a complete dork around you and Idont have to worry about what you think. Your the only person I know that loves movies as much as me. We can talk about anything and I know you have my back. I know that you will make something of yourself after high schoool. Stay beautiful Alley. Thank you for making my senior year AMAZING!! Oh and I had better be invited to you and Rich's wedding lol!! :D
2. HOPE!! I found you in this huge world of blogging and Im so grateful for it. You read everything I have to say and you always leave heartfelt comments that keep me remembering that someone cares. Were still getting to know eachother but from what I know your a star in a world of meteor's! I love reading your blog. You see thing so differently and thats SO cool. I hope we continue getting to know eachother.
3. Paris! I love hanging out with you. Your wild and loud and SO confident. I know things are going to change when I graduate but I promise to stay in touch. I know you'll reach all your dreams! Oh and I love your new haircut :D
4. Leigh!! Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for always sticking up for me. Your the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard that I vomit. I hope we stay friends until we die. I mean I need someone to room with in the nursing home. Not to mention someone to help me make spaghetti at 3:00am and fall asleep before we get to eat it :D
Thank you to all the people who make my life worth living. I wouldnt be here without you!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Small town....small minds?
Its occured to me that....no matter where I go....may it be big cities....or small towns...I will always meet people with small minds....people that think money and looks are the only way to make it in this world.....people that have no respect for hard working people....or honest people with a good sense of self-respect....
I will never be the person that other people want me to be...some days I'm okay with that....and others I have to remind myself that its okay......I dont want to spend my life living up to other people's standards of who I should be....I just want to be me...even though I have NO idea who that is.......
I may be lost....I may have depression.....I may tell anyone the truth even if its hurtful sometimes....I may be sarcastic.....I may not always let people in...but when and if I do you had better NOT abuse that....because I can also be one of the most loving people you will ever meet...I would die for any of my friends and I would take a bullet for anyone in my family....people in this town dont get to see me as I truly am....they see with blinders on....they see me as they want to see me......
And I'm making no sense right now so....I'm just going to stop babbling
I will never be the person that other people want me to be...some days I'm okay with that....and others I have to remind myself that its okay......I dont want to spend my life living up to other people's standards of who I should be....I just want to be me...even though I have NO idea who that is.......
I may be lost....I may have depression.....I may tell anyone the truth even if its hurtful sometimes....I may be sarcastic.....I may not always let people in...but when and if I do you had better NOT abuse that....because I can also be one of the most loving people you will ever meet...I would die for any of my friends and I would take a bullet for anyone in my family....people in this town dont get to see me as I truly am....they see with blinders on....they see me as they want to see me......
And I'm making no sense right now so....I'm just going to stop babbling
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Why Bother
I dont think I'll be blogging much longer....It doesnt seem to help anymore....No one reads these posts....No one gives a shit what I go through...what I have to say...what my opinions are....so I think I'll be done soon....maybe...I dont know.....geh!!
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