Untitled

You come to me in the dark of the night
You curl at my neck and whisper sweet nothing in my ear
You caress my cheek and fill my head with twisted beliefs
You tap my chest keeping time with the beat of my heart
You tell me my world is falling apart
You pull the covers to my chin and remind me of my every sin
You make me dream of isolation and despair
You make me believe that your the only one there
You are loneliness at its best
I know now your the only thing I have left
You make crazy I can tell
I think I'm better off in hell

Going a little crazy....er?

Well I can tell you that NOTHING interesting has been going on for the past five days or so. We got hit with a mild snow storm and everyone got trapped in their houses for a few days. I for one was not happy about this storm because I got stuck in my house. I didnt even get to leave for Christmas. I guess its not all that bad thoough. I got to miss out on the drama that I know there would have been. My mom and cousin would have drank. My mom and grandmother would have fought. We would have had to hear about my cousins divorce that will soon be taking place. Grrr when I think about the fact that their getting a divorce I just want to punch them I dont think they realize that its not just them who will be separating. Their daughter will forever be pulled in two directions. She will have to split time between both parents and she will have to make two trips for Christmas and birthdays. I would know I did it myself for five years. Some people just dont get it.
On the plus side I've only made twelve new cuts to my collection. It may not seem like such a big step to you but it is to me. The holidays are hard on me and so is being trapped in my house. I havent seen Alley or Paris in what feels like forever. I feel alone and I would love for someone to talk to. Everyone is busy with things or on vacation somewhere. I've been keeping busy with reading and writing poems some of which I will post sometime here soon.
Gah! There are so many things I have to do yet. Order my cap and gown for graduation, fill out scholarships, stay sane. Sometimes I feel like I'm just doing to flip out on someone. Maybe that will help?....I hope that in ten years (if I'm still alive)...that I can look back on this point in my life and laugh....no...no....probably not....
Until Next Time
LIA

Save Me From the Nothing I've Become

Last Thursday I had a total breakdown. Everything that had been piling up the last 7 years finally broke me. I CRIED!!!!! I NEVER cry. I had not cried since I was 10 yrs old. I cried for 45 minutes straight. SO not like me. I was brought up to believe that crying is a weakness. I like to be in control and when I cry I dont feel in control.

My grandpa has cancer again. Its operable but he doesnt want them to operate. Without an operation theres only a 30% chance for his survival. So baiscally he's going to die. It saddens my heart just thinking about it. I cant just stand by as the only father figure I have ever had slowly dies in front of me. The worst part though is the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I cant be with him everyday like I want to be, because I'm too busy with school or faking smiles with my friends or working or sleeping. I dont want his last days to be filled with silence as I know they will be because I'm failing as a granddaughter by not being there for him.

My fathers abandonment is like a wound that will never close. Its always open and bleeding. And sometimes someone will come along and pour salt into it just to remind me that its there. Like I dont already know. The sting of it is a continuous reminder of that fact that I am good enough for no one.

When I was crying I called a few of my friends because I was so fucking sick of being alone that I just wanted to be around someone. Alley was busy which is cool because I later learned that she has just as shitty a night as I did. Leigh was at work but I got to see her later so that was okay too. I finally got ahold of Paris so I picked her up and we drove around in my car. She watched me smoke cigarette after cigarette and she listened to me cry and bitch. I told her about my grandpa and about how I wanted to kill myself. She made me feel better about my grandfathers situation but Im not sure she fully understood the fact that I want to kill myself. Its like no one understands. They just tell me not to do it because they would miss me to much and that I wont always feel like this.

I just dont even know who I am anymore. I mean if you know me at all and you just read this you will know something is wrong. I NEVER swear like this. Maybe its the stress of my grandfathers illness or the fact that finals are here. Maybe its the holiday stress. I should be alittle merrier right? I hate to admit this but maybe I just need a fucking hug from someone who actually cares.....first I have to find that someone.

Until Next Time

LIA

The Animal I Have Become

I cant imagine going on like this anymore. Feeling so hopeless and empty. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont recognize the person who is looking back. I've always been a little bit of a loner and Im really akward with people a lot of the time. But I find myself shutting people out. I dont even talk to Sunny anymore. I just pushed her away. Stopped answering her phone calls. Im doing the same thing to Paris. It scares me. I dont want to do that to Alley. She's basically the only friend I have left. I hate that! I hate that I cant be alone. I dont like the fact that I have to have friends. I know that as humans we instinctively need people in our lives. To comfort support love and talk to us. But that just seems like weakness to me. I dont want to be the kind of person who NEEDS someone. But when I think about being alone I cut myself. My whole fucking life has been about leaving me. My father, my friends, I dont think I could handle any more. I know its possible for me to wake up one day and have no one left. Because I pushed them away. Because I was to afraid of letting people get close to me so I just pushed them away. It a crazy and horrible cycle. Dont let anyone close to you but then have no one because your to afraid to let people in. It drives me crazy and I'm doing it to myself!!!
My emotions are everywhere lately. I dont know how Alley stands being around me. If she were wise she'd ignore me. Everyone else has and look at how much better they are without me. Without out my poisionious attitude and vile words. I'm not someone to look forward to seeing. I'm someone who should be avoided. I ruin all that I touch. I can feel myself drowning in the black bile that I have created for myself. I'm....seriously thinking of....ending my life. I've thought it through....I know how I'd do it...what I'd write in my note.....which of my possessions I would leave to Alley and my family.
I wish that I had someone here to talk to. Damn.....I'm sick of holding shit inside. No one would want to listen to me complain anyway......
Until Next Time
LIA

Graduation...Jobs....Life

Everything is becoming overwhelmingly stressful. Graduation is 5 months away! I havent ordered my cap and gown, or my tassel. Although my grandmother gave me the money for it I havent filled out the order form yet because everytime I look at it the thing gets more complicated. Plus I have no stamps to send it anyway.
Everytime I think about graduation I think about college and getting a job. I want to go to tech school in the city. Im halfway accepted all I have to do is take a drug test. But I cant because I dont have an I.D. because I lost it!!!! DAMN MYSELF!!!!! I want to go to tech school for phlabotomy which is blood taking and lab work. After graduation Im moving in with my grandparents so I can be closer to my school. So I'll have to get a job which scares me shitless. Im not a huge people person and Ive only ever had one job which sucked ass by the way. But I do need the money for school. Once I get my liscense for phlabotomy I'll get a job at one of the hospitals and go back to school for Crime Scene and Trauma Cleanup. Yes! I plan on cleaning up murder and suicide scences blood and guts etc. You may think thats weird but Im good at cleaning...they make big bucks...and none of that stuff creeps me out.
See I've got all these plans and goals Im just not sure if I can do it. The only thing thats holding me back is myself. I want to make money and move to Ireland. I just dont know if Im smart enough to do all the things I want. I dont believe that Im good enough. GRRRRRR!!!!!
I dont want to grow up. I didnt sign on for this. I had no say in being born!!!!!! BLEH!!!!!

Sitting here alone...

I always seem to be alone dont I? Its crazy even when I'm in a room full of people I feel entirely alone. No matter what I'm alone. Alone with my fears and doubts. Alone with my worries and thoughts. Thoughts that haunt me in the day as much as they do in the night. Come to think of it day is night for me anymore. It seems music and the voice in the back of my head are the only things that keep me company. When Im alone I do stupid things like cut and drown in the black bile I create for myself. When I'm alone everything floods my mind at once causing me to shudder and gasp at my own darkness.
I matter to no one...correct?....Without me the world has it all....Alone is what I shall be until the day comes when I can move on...to a place of peace and hopefulness.


wow...sorry I get rather depressed when I'm by myself (which seems to be more and more these days)

Oh Star by Paramore

Oh star fall down on me
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.

And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
That I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade away.
I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.

And I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away from me,
You will never fade...

Oh star fall down on me.