Random Thoughts

Its amazing how much a person can be hurting and how much other people could care less. I can feel myself going back to my old ways- becoming my old self. Lately its seems like I want nothing more than to destroy myself. To make myself nothing. And I find it funny that while Im drownding Im screaming for help and begging for isolation at the same time.
I want to destroy my own flesh. I want to make it how I see it-ugly. Line after line after line-it will be beautiful! Maybe one day it will end who knows?
I wonder if there is a person out there who truly cares for people. Will I ever find someone who TRULY cares for me? Maybe.....
I just cant help but wonder how everyone else does it. How everyone else stays happy? Are their smiles truly smiles or just a mask they wear to hide their pain? How do people get through each day? Is it as hard for them as it is me? Am I the only one who feels like this? Maybe I'll never know. I dont know when the last time was that someone truly cared for me. Maybe no one know Im hurting. Maybe I hide it too well. I dont want 24/7 attention that would be excessive. I just want someone who will listen when I wanna talk and someone to tell me it will be okay and to just hang on. Someone to help me be strong. I know if I slip back into my old self theres a good chance that I wont get back out. I dont want that. I beg for help. I dont want a repeat of last year. I dont want to slip again. I beg for happiness. I suck at being human. Im slipping and Im praying for a hand to grasp.